Corporate Sellout

Remember when I said I was quitting my job to be a writer?  Well, turns out that idleness doesn’t suit me.  And I’m not the most self-motivated.  (I haven’t written for this blog in…well, let’s not talk about it.)  So I’m back in accounting but this time in the corporate world.

It’s somewhat different from public accounting and it’s challenging, but I like it.  It’s a great place to work.  We develop and manage hotels which means I get discounts all over the country.  Pretty nice perk.  Nothing’s perfect but here’s some high points.

  1. I park in a garage.  I was a little leery at first because we all know parking garages can be dangerous but it seems okay.  And the best part is you don’t have to wrestle your umbrella into the car when it’s raining.
  2. There’s good security.  You have to have a security badge to make the elevator go up to the fourth floor.  With all the shootings on the news, it makes me feel good that they take our safety seriously.
  3. The bathroom is fancy.  I mean, listen, each stall is it’s own little room.  It’s always spotless and there’s always enough TP.  It matters to me considering where I came from you couldn’t tell if the toilets were even swished at night.  But anyway…
  4. There’s a gym.  Not that I frequent it but still it’s there if I suddenly become athletically inclined.  It would be a good excuse to go shopping though.

Like I said, nothing’s perfect and there are definitely cons but I know this is where God wants me because no matter how frustrated I get or how hard it is to adapt to a new environment and new people, I’m just so happy I’m not where I was before.  Change is hard, but change is good.  And at the end of the day, every day, I know that change is exactly what I needed.

Who Am I?

It’s been nearly a month since I left my job and it’s been both awesome and stressful.  I keep going back and forth from “I’m so glad I left” to “Holy crap! Why’d I leave the comfort of a full-time job?”

After a recent church class I realized that my angst is tied up in identity.  Who am I now? Who am I if I’m not Kim the tax accountant?

I’m Kim, Who Lives at Home.  I’m Kim, the aspiring author.  I’m Kim, who volunteers with kids. I’m Kim, who wants to work with kids.  I have to remind myself of that everyday, sometimes several times a day.

I do have plans but I want to take it one week at a time.  God has told me he wants me to spend more time in prayer and I’m making an effort.  I realize that I have to be patient and wait for Him to tell me where to go next.  The last thing I want is to screw this whole thing up.  This time is a gift from God and I’m not going to squander it.

I Want to Be Radical

That’s right, I want to be radical.  Have you watched Darren Wilson’s films?  If you haven’t, see them.  They are amazing and life-changing.  But what I want to say is, someone said that the people in Darren’s films are “radical.”  I want to be like that.

I’ve said in my About change that I’m “sold out” to the Holy Spirit, meaning that I want Him to lead my life.  No one else.  Period.  That’s why I quit my job.  I felt God leading me away from accounting and it was a big “put up or shut up” moment.  I might even go so far as to say it was radical.  But that’s how I want to live my life.  I want to live from one of those moments to the next.

I can’t really think how my life could have gotten more boring as it was.  Now I finally feel excited to be doing things.  I get up expectant for what He has for me.  I do have a few tentative plans but nothing major.  And that’s just fine with me.  Here’s to being radical.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord.  ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'”  Jeremiah 29:11

 

Next Chapter: A List

Now that I’ve given notice on my job, my mind has turned to what won’t be happening anymore.

Things I won’t do in the next 12 months:

  1. Tax Season (oh, sweet relief!)
  2. Take only a couple days off at a time because of work obligations (and the fear of being told I’m not good enough)
  3. Try to make up an excuse to get out of the Christmas Party
  4. Stand around in the conference room and celebrate every other thing (birthdays, Boss’s Day, Administrative Assistant’s Day, these people really like to celebrate)
  5. Listen to whining from people who have no right to whine (well, that may still happen, just different people)
  6. Listen to my bosses blame me for things that aren’t my fault (again, could still happen but different bosses)
  7. Feel guilty that I’m not doing enough
  8. Beat up on myself
  9. Be paranoid about what others think of me
  10. Do everything for everyone else and never for myself

There’s a lot of work on me that has to be done.  It starts with taking a break and then figuring out how to move forward.  God has a plan and my job for right now, is trusting Him.

Next Chapters and Such

So, I, uh, well… I kinda quit my job.  Yikes.  I actually wrote it.  I quit my job to be a writer!  Yay!  Just kidding.  Kind of.

Let me back up.  I ran into a friend of a friend at Barnes and Noble the other weekend.  I went to buy a copy of Thirteen Reasons Why and drink iced coffee in the cafe like a legit hipster.  She’s going to a local college to get some kind of Masters and working there to make ends meet.  I asked her how she was doing and she said she was happy doing that.  Happy.  I had a total epiphany.  I have savings and I hate my job.  What am I doing?

I’m just so over it.  I’m over accounting, I’m over the utter crazy that is the management and I’m over being depressed about how my life turned out.  So I didn’t get married in my twenties and get stuck in a job I hate because I’ve got bills to pay and kids to buy stuff for.  That was the dream, right?  Well, screw that.  I just turned 30 and I’m going to take this opportunity to make myself happy, because I’m so tired of being practical and sucking it up for everyone but myself.  And I may never get this opportunity again.

I also feel like God has something more for me.  More than just this job and all the crap that goes with it.  More than being single and yearning and all that blah, blah, blah.  God is leading me away and I have to follow that no matter what.  Like I’ve said it’s about trusting him even if others think you’re crazy.  And trust me, there are some people who think I’m nuts for doing this.

So, anyway, I decided I’m going to take a gap year to find myself before I start the next chapter and find my bliss.  Carpe diem, y’all!

 

Caution: Wet Floor

The last couple months have been a bit of a slippery ride.  I had a freak-out in February and ended up at the psychiatrist’s office.  He bumped my Lex and put me on Abilify, which is an anti-psychotic, by the way.  I think that officially makes be the craziest.  Yassss… but I digress.

He put me on Abilify to combat the lack of motivation and energy.  And it worked.  Boy, did it work.  I had energy to burn.  I was churning out tax returns and cleaning out closets and doing yard work.  And then I just… crashed.  The first time I thought it was the Ambien.  I had a horrible night’s sleep and had to take a “mental health” day from work.  I thought it was a fluke.  Until the second time.  This time I went low, both physically and emotionally.  You ever read about people with depression not being able to get out of bed?  Yep, that was me.  It was a weird kind of numb.  I had to call in for a real mental health day.  And the swing was intense.  One day I’m up at 6 and the next I’m sleeping ‘til noon.  My mood has been going up and down but it really went down that day.

You know, I should be worried sick about all the work on my desk but I’m just… not.  I can’t care about a bit of it.  On the one hand, I’m glad that I’m not worrying like I have in past years.  On the other, I don’t have a lot of motivation to do returns.  Eek.

I suspect the Abilify.  That’s okay, we’ll get it straightened out.  They say when you’re going through hell, keep going.  And I will.  I just have to navigate the wet floor for a while.

Grrrr…

That pretty much sums up my week. It has not been the best week ever to say the least. My sinus problems started on Memorial Day and really didn’t let up until yesterday. I’ve been moody and irritable for over a week and that doesn’t show signs of stopping. Seriously, it’s like everything I touch this week turns to crap. Even though things have been really slow at work and I’ve had an almost unbearable amount of downtime, this week has been really stressful. It stems from knowing how many returns are on extension and how many have fiscal year ends and how all of them are going to be due at the same time in September and October and I’m sitting around waiting. So much could have gotten done this week if only clients had brought the information in. Take all that, a dash of paranoia, and throw in one heart-stopping, narrowly-avoided direct deposit disaster and you have one sucky week. Ta-da!

Paranoia did you say? Why, yes I did. I have this strange sense that everyone is out to get me, that there are horrors lurking around every office corner, horrors that are going to make this job even more difficult. That’s probably because that actually happened last year. More than once. Surprise! We bought out the CPA across the street and here’s more work for everybody! Surprise! We bought out the CPA next door and here’s more work for everybody! Surprise! We’re switching everything over to a ridiculous new program that has nothing to do with anything for no reason! If you recall, that last one never actually came to fruition because we mounted a rebellion and got it stopped. Or at least put off. I’m paranoid that that particular problem will rear its ugly head again. There’s no telling what could be brewing behind the scenes. I’ve actually been given permission to divvy up the 1099 clients between all the staff accountants so I won’t be responsible for 210 in 30 days like I was this past January. I can already tell you that’s not going to go over well. Turns out I’m the one lurking behind the curtain ready to jump out and say “Surprise! You have to do more work in January!”

After everything I’ve been through in the last several months, I just want a rest. I’ve been making the most of my vacation days and weekends but when I’m at the office I can’t seem to shake a sense of foreboding. I know I put too much pressure on myself and that’s the root of the problem. It’s a fear of failure, of being seen as inferior, not good enough. This job has not been great in the building self-esteem department but that’s another story. What it has taught me is to trust God and obey Him no matter how hard that might be and to stand up for myself and for the truth when the chips are down. I know God led me to this job and no matter how I feel or what they throw at me I’ll keep fighting because in the end, it’s for Him and no one else.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” Philippians 3:12 (NIV)