I Want You to Want Me

I may be going on a mission trip to Taiwan in April.  I don’t know yet.  I turned in an application and was then given an in-person interview with the Head of Missions.  He was very nice, very polite, but I can’t say if the interview went well or not.  I did a lot of interviewing for jobs this past summer and I found that you never can tell.

No matter how friendly the person may be, you always feel like you’re on your back foot the whole time.  Like you’re being judged no matter what.  And you are.  That’s what interviews are all about.

When they ask questions, I always get the feeling that they have an answer in mind and if you don’t get it right, they write you off then and there.  This was a little different than a job interview.  They are praying and asking God who should go on this trip so He’s in control but I still felt that there was a “right” answer.  I answered everything honestly and to the best of my ability.  I don’t know exactly what he was looking for but my answers were me.

I’m not the perfect Christian or missionary.  I don’t know everything.  I’m just me.  If they take me, I want them to take me because I’m me, not because I told them the “right” answers at an interview.  Take me because I have something to offer, because I’m unique.

If this sounds like an old refrain from me, it is.  I’m 31 years old and I’m still asking people to take me as I am, not how I “should” be.  After everything, I still want you to want me.

Corporate Accounting Is the New Public Accounting

E-mails from Management

Dear General Managers of our properties,

You are the most important people in this organization.  The Headquarters and everyone who works there exist to serve you at all levels.  You are not responsible for anything that is sent to Corporate Accounting.  They will fix any mistakes and you should not worry about them.  If something is wrong please feel free to reach out to Corporate Accounting with as nasty an email message as possible.

Dear Property Accountants,

You are the keepers of the company.  You are special!  You may make all the mistakes you like.  You are not responsible for them or anything for that matter.  Corporate Accounting’s sole purpose is to serve you and clean up all your messes.  If they have the audacity to contradict this or complain about it, you are entitled to throw a hissy fit and remind them of how many hours you work and how special and important you are to this company.

Dear Accounts Payable,

You are data entry personnel only.  You are not responsible for following up with the GMs, vendors, etc.  You are not responsible for any mistakes that waste Corporate Accounting’s time.  Likewise, you do not have to do your job until Corporate Accounting reminds you to do it.  If Corporate Accounting makes claims to the contrary, please act nonchalant and remind them at you are “data entry.”

Notice to All Employees (!High Importance!)

Management is not responsible for anything.  Please address any and all complaints to Kim Who Lives at Home in Corporate Accounting.

This might be a slight exaggeration but it’s been a rough week and somebody had to take the hit.  Happy Weekend!

Between the Lines

I’ve come to the realization that I’m not quite over what happened early in 2017 when I ended up leaving my last job.  Please indulge me.

My last performance review:

Dear Kim Who Lives at Home,

You do your job reasonably well and are now 30 years old.  However, we are still going to treat you like you are the 23 year old girl just out of college and are in no way as competent as everyone else in this firm despite evidence to the contrary.  We are informing you that you are mean, have a bad attitude, and have hurt the very delicate feelings of a very privileged co-worker.  We are oblivious to the fact that we are being manipulated by an over-grown teenager.  Also, we in no way acknowledge all the hard work and dedication you have shown over the years and have saved your performance review to the end to emphasize the fact that you suck.



My resignation letter:

Dear Management,

I hereby tender my resignation in response to my unfair and insulting performance review of a few weeks ago.  I want to let you know that I put up with targeted bullying from your office manager for over seven years and was repeatedly ignored while you condoned her behavior.  In addition, you gave preferential treatment to every employee besides myself by shunting work onto me and making unreasonable demands of me.  I also endured a year where you hired someone to replace me and then left me to train her on work I should have been trained properly on myself.  You then lied to me a few weeks ago when I confronted you about this past situation.  It is for the aforementioned reasons that I am seeking employment elsewhere.  I will make a special effort to roll over my 401K as quickly as possible so that your wealth care department will not benefit from the management fees it incurs.


Kim Who Lives at Home

I know, I know, I’m harboring a wee bit of resentment.  I’m trying, okay?  But Rome wasn’t built…yeah, you know how it goes.

Who Am I?

It’s been nearly a month since I left my job and it’s been both awesome and stressful.  I keep going back and forth from “I’m so glad I left” to “Holy crap! Why’d I leave the comfort of a full-time job?”

After a recent church class I realized that my angst is tied up in identity.  Who am I now? Who am I if I’m not Kim the tax accountant?

I’m Kim, Who Lives at Home.  I’m Kim, the aspiring author.  I’m Kim, who volunteers with kids. I’m Kim, who wants to work with kids.  I have to remind myself of that everyday, sometimes several times a day.

I do have plans but I want to take it one week at a time.  God has told me he wants me to spend more time in prayer and I’m making an effort.  I realize that I have to be patient and wait for Him to tell me where to go next.  The last thing I want is to screw this whole thing up.  This time is a gift from God and I’m not going to squander it.

I Want to Be Radical

That’s right, I want to be radical.  Have you watched Darren Wilson’s films?  If you haven’t, see them.  They are amazing and life-changing.  But what I want to say is, someone said that the people in Darren’s films are “radical.”  I want to be like that.

I’ve said in my About change that I’m “sold out” to the Holy Spirit, meaning that I want Him to lead my life.  No one else.  Period.  That’s why I quit my job.  I felt God leading me away from accounting and it was a big “put up or shut up” moment.  I might even go so far as to say it was radical.  But that’s how I want to live my life.  I want to live from one of those moments to the next.

I can’t really think how my life could have gotten more boring as it was.  Now I finally feel excited to be doing things.  I get up expectant for what He has for me.  I do have a few tentative plans but nothing major.  And that’s just fine with me.  Here’s to being radical.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord.  ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'”  Jeremiah 29:11


For the Broken

Brokenness is usually seen as a bad thing.  People want to “fix” you or help you “put yourself back together.”  Maybe we should change our mindset about brokenness.  My friend attended our church’s annual Women’s Retreat.  They were given the following letter among others but this is what stuck out to me.


My favorite part is Jesus’s glory shines through the cracks.  Your brokenness doesn’t have to define you or take over your life.  If you lay it at Jesus’s feet, he will use it for good.

Yes, I have cracks and they are a part of who I am as a person.  Those experiences have helped me get to where I am today.  I want the light coming through those cracks to shine on the people around me.  Depression is not my weakness.  Jesus will use it as my strength.  There are a lot of people out there who need to know that it’s okay to be broken.  Medication and therapy are necessary but giving it to Jesus is the only way I know to truly heal.  Let Him be your healer.

Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend

If you’ve been reading this blog this year, you may have noticed a running melancholy in the posts.  I realize they haven’t been exactly upbeat.  Even though I’ve tried to put a positive spin on my angst, they’re kinda downers.

So far this year, I’ve written about the horrors of tax season (that’s not an exaggeration), my dog’s untimely death (seriously, why?), my teenage self vs my current self (like looking in a mirror), being persecuted for following my own path (probably paranoia, but you know what they say about that), turning 30 unmarried (and thinking about it way more than is healthy), and my crushing loneliness and restlessness.

So, what’s left to write about?  Oh, yeah.  My descent into depression.  Depression is a horrible disease but it can be funny, too, right?  Well, last night as I swallowed my shiny new Lexapro through snot and tears (again, not an exaggeration) it was really not funny.  But today it is because, you know, Buzz Feed.

God bless Buzz Feed.  Seriously, how many times has it just made your day?  Like today with this article.  Spoiler Alert:  It’s stuff people posted on Tumblr about being really not ok.  It spoke to me because there’s nothing worse than having to tell people you’re “fine” when you are really, really far from fine.

And a lot of people don’t get it.  Which is why I appreciated this article.  It puts a humorous spin on being supportive to a person going through depression.  And it makes some great points.  There’s such a stigma around depression and yet so many people suffer from it.  The disease causes enough shame; we shouldn’t be getting it from the people around us, too.  I feel misunderstood under normal circumstances so it’s ten times worse when I’m depressed and people think I’m just being weird and anti-social.

Laughter is good medicine but if you’re depressed or suspect you might be, please get help.  This isn’t my first rodeo and I know that waiting only makes it worse.  There will be days when you can laugh about it and days when you can’t.  Let’s hope there are more of the former.