Who Am I?

It’s been nearly a month since I left my job and it’s been both awesome and stressful.  I keep going back and forth from “I’m so glad I left” to “Holy crap! Why’d I leave the comfort of a full-time job?”

After a recent church class I realized that my angst is tied up in identity.  Who am I now? Who am I if I’m not Kim the tax accountant?

I’m Kim, Who Lives at Home.  I’m Kim, the aspiring author.  I’m Kim, who volunteers with kids. I’m Kim, who wants to work with kids.  I have to remind myself of that everyday, sometimes several times a day.

I do have plans but I want to take it one week at a time.  God has told me he wants me to spend more time in prayer and I’m making an effort.  I realize that I have to be patient and wait for Him to tell me where to go next.  The last thing I want is to screw this whole thing up.  This time is a gift from God and I’m not going to squander it.

I Want to Be Radical

That’s right, I want to be radical.  Have you watched Darren Wilson’s films?  If you haven’t, see them.  They are amazing and life-changing.  But what I want to say is, someone said that the people in Darren’s films are “radical.”  I want to be like that.

I’ve said in my About change that I’m “sold out” to the Holy Spirit, meaning that I want Him to lead my life.  No one else.  Period.  That’s why I quit my job.  I felt God leading me away from accounting and it was a big “put up or shut up” moment.  I might even go so far as to say it was radical.  But that’s how I want to live my life.  I want to live from one of those moments to the next.

I can’t really think how my life could have gotten more boring as it was.  Now I finally feel excited to be doing things.  I get up expectant for what He has for me.  I do have a few tentative plans but nothing major.  And that’s just fine with me.  Here’s to being radical.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord.  ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'”  Jeremiah 29:11

 

For the Broken

Brokenness is usually seen as a bad thing.  People want to “fix” you or help you “put yourself back together.”  Maybe we should change our mindset about brokenness.  My friend attended our church’s annual Women’s Retreat.  They were given the following letter among others but this is what stuck out to me.

IMG_5569

My favorite part is Jesus’s glory shines through the cracks.  Your brokenness doesn’t have to define you or take over your life.  If you lay it at Jesus’s feet, he will use it for good.

Yes, I have cracks and they are a part of who I am as a person.  Those experiences have helped me get to where I am today.  I want the light coming through those cracks to shine on the people around me.  Depression is not my weakness.  Jesus will use it as my strength.  There are a lot of people out there who need to know that it’s okay to be broken.  Medication and therapy are necessary but giving it to Jesus is the only way I know to truly heal.  Let Him be your healer.

Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend

If you’ve been reading this blog this year, you may have noticed a running melancholy in the posts.  I realize they haven’t been exactly upbeat.  Even though I’ve tried to put a positive spin on my angst, they’re kinda downers.

So far this year, I’ve written about the horrors of tax season (that’s not an exaggeration), my dog’s untimely death (seriously, why?), my teenage self vs my current self (like looking in a mirror), being persecuted for following my own path (probably paranoia, but you know what they say about that), turning 30 unmarried (and thinking about it way more than is healthy), and my crushing loneliness and restlessness.

So, what’s left to write about?  Oh, yeah.  My descent into depression.  Depression is a horrible disease but it can be funny, too, right?  Well, last night as I swallowed my shiny new Lexapro through snot and tears (again, not an exaggeration) it was really not funny.  But today it is because, you know, Buzz Feed.

God bless Buzz Feed.  Seriously, how many times has it just made your day?  Like today with this article.  Spoiler Alert:  It’s stuff people posted on Tumblr about being really not ok.  It spoke to me because there’s nothing worse than having to tell people you’re “fine” when you are really, really far from fine.

And a lot of people don’t get it.  Which is why I appreciated this article.  It puts a humorous spin on being supportive to a person going through depression.  And it makes some great points.  There’s such a stigma around depression and yet so many people suffer from it.  The disease causes enough shame; we shouldn’t be getting it from the people around us, too.  I feel misunderstood under normal circumstances so it’s ten times worse when I’m depressed and people think I’m just being weird and anti-social.

Laughter is good medicine but if you’re depressed or suspect you might be, please get help.  This isn’t my first rodeo and I know that waiting only makes it worse.  There will be days when you can laugh about it and days when you can’t.  Let’s hope there are more of the former.

Rebel With(Out?)…Whatever

This summer has been hard.  I’ve been really listless and bored.  I just haven’t wanted to do anything or go anywhere.  Some of it is the oppressive heat but a lot of it is me.  I’m a home body.  I’m not a very social person.  I just prefer to stay home and watch Netflix or read.  I know I need to get out more.  I just haven’t had a lot of opportunities.

A recent sermon about mentors really hit me hard.  Our pastor said to be living a Biblical life we need to be making disciples.  We need to be mentoring someone and someone should be mentoring us.  And I bristled a bit at that.  Mentoring takes two.  It takes someone investing time and love into you.  That’s a little beyond my control.  I can’t just ask someone to do that for me.  It made me realize the lack of people in my life.  So I started praying about it.

Last Saturday we had a women’s one-day conference at the church.  At the end they announced that a woman who had just moved to the area was opening her house to women who wanted to connect.  It was answered prayer.  A small group met at her house the other night for fellowship and I didn’t have any anxiety about it.  Usually, as soon as I sign up for something, I immediately regret it.  It’s easier to just stay home and do my thing but I really felt like I needed this.  And so did the other women there.

Our church is pushing these kinds of groups in homes because that’s the Biblical church.  People connecting outside of church and becoming family.  It is sorely needed.  Our church has over a thousand people attending every Sunday and we come and go like ghosts.  We want to connect with each other in a real way.

I’ve finally reached the point where I’m fed up with being a ghost.  I need more people in my life.  I have my family and my church fellowship group which are great, but I need more.  I’m rebelling against myself.  I’m rebelling against the urge to stay where I’m comfortable.   My 30th birthday is coming up and I have actual plans for a celebration.  That never happens.  I went from having nothing to do to having a pretty full social calendar this fall.

I don’t know if taking myself on makes me a rebel with or without a cause but I do know it’s time and that God is faithful.

My Longest Relationship Since High School

It was six dates.  Sad but true.  And a little bizarre I have to say.  Maybe our personalities didn’t match or maybe there was more going on beneath the surface.  Take a look at the dates and communication and see what you think.  Any insight is appreciated.

Background: He winked at me on Match.  I responded.  We exchanged a couple e-mails and decided to meet up for lunch on a Saturday.

Date #1: He’s an attractive man, 29, a little taller than I am which I appreciate.  He’s driving a small pickup truck.  Another thing I appreciate.  It’s a noon date so I’m fine with his khaki shorts and polo.  We meet at the local Italian chain restaurant and engage in the get-to-know-you stuff.  He’s a history teacher and football coach at a local high school.  He just moved back into the area to be closer to his family.  He loves football, especially one of the big college teams.  That’s par for the course anywhere but especially in the South.  That doesn’t bother me.  I’m a big fan of the NFL just not so much college.  Anyway, we have a nice lunch and he pays. 

I think it went well but I’m not too hopeful because of how other first dates have gone.  He texts me the next day.  We have several text conversations through the week and make plans for the next Saturday.

Date #2: We meet for lunch again.  This time at the local sports bar and restaurant.  Then we see an afternoon movie and I go home.  Nothing eventful.

We text again all week.  I’m really enjoying the conversations.  They get a little flirty.  That’s probably why I agree to the third date.  I keep thinking, “He must be into me.  He keeps flirting over text and asking me out again.”  So we have a third date.

Date #3: He invites me to his apartment for pizza and football.  That’s cool.  I head over to his apartment late afternoon.  We sit on his couch and talk about random stuff.  Football in the background.  We pick up a pizza, eat, talk a little more, the real game comes on, we talk during the commercials and then I leave.  Yeah, no real chemistry happening.

I’m a little confused at this point because each week over text he’s flirting and it seems like we have some things in common.  I think, “Maybe he’s just shy.”  So I forge ahead.

Date #4: The next Saturday, trying to avoid another boring and slightly awkward evening of football and stilted conversation, I suggest we go out.  It’s fall and a local farm has their corn maze set up.  He’s not too keen on the idea.  He has mentioned several times that he loves to just “chill on the couch” and when there’s a slight chance of rain on Saturday, he tries to get out of going.  I insist and we head to the corn maze.  It’s not what I had hoped.  My plan was to get us into a walking side-by-side situation where either he would hold my hand or I could take his and try to get something going.  The maze was narrow, allowing barely enough room to walk single-file.  I’ve also learned I’m really not good at mazes.  We found our way out and went to eat.  (We didn’t make it to the end.  We retraced our steps to the beginning.  Pathetic, I know.)  We had a lack luster dinner and I went home.

This week same as before.  We find out that our birthdays are only three days apart and are happening that week.  So we plan a combined birthday celebration for the next, wait for it, Saturday.  (He was a football coach so he was a little busy on Fridays.  I was cool with it.)  I must admit I was almost over it at this point.  But it seemed wrong to breakup with someone on his birthday, so I went ahead with it.

Date #5: I was sick of meeting in the daylight because I believe that dating should involve sexy outfits and heels, which are usually too much for a noon-time lunch.  His suggestion is another trip to the sports bar for wings but I really just can’t handle that.  I insist on a nice dinner at my favorite hibatchi place and an EVENING movie.  Come on, this is a birthday for crying out loud!  Can we please for once date like adults and not teenagers who are getting dropped off by their parents and have to be home before dark?  So we do.  I even get him a present.  Salt and pepper shakers with his favorite football team’s logo.  Not great, but I didn’t know him very well.  He said he’d give me my present on Monday, which was my actual birthday.

Monday:  A lovely bouquet of flowers arrives at my office with a sweet note.  He’s been talking about taking me to a college football game because he’s sure that I’ll love it and there’s one coming up that Saturday.  His family has season tickets.  I decide to give it one last shot.  He did send me flowers, after all.

Date #6: Long boring car ride, even longer tailgate and football game, extremely long wait at a restaurant afterwards, and a traffic jam on the way home.  I never have understood the cult of college football and now I know that I will never understand it.  The conversation was like talking to a co-worker not a date, I had to meet his parents (waaayyy too soon for that), and he never once tried to hold my hand or anything.

The next day, I sent him a Facebook message and politely told him we didn’t have anything in common and I wanted to stop seeing him.  He said he agreed.

Soooo, what?  He’s just not that into me?  What was with the texting all the time and the flirting and always asking for another date?  And flowers on my birthday?  That all pointed to him being into me but when we were together he never once made a move and he always wanted to just get lunch and go to a matinee.  Or just “chill” at his apartment.  Was he not over somebody, was he gay, or was he just that devoid of personality?  This was just confusing.  But I’m glad I made the effort.  It wasn’t much but it was a learning experience.