Back in December a friend of mine suggested that the members of our church group ask the Lord to give us words for the coming year. Mine were growth and friendship.
Now, I knew better than to try to predict what the year was going to look like based on two words. But I admit I thought it would look something like God calling me to serve somewhere in the church and I would build deeper relationships with my friends at group. My dog died in March so I thought maybe that was a sign God was going to send me somewhere. Or send me someone. I wouldn’t have any strings. I could go anywhere and do anything.
After seven months of 2016, I feel more isolated and alone than I think I ever have. I feel distant from my group. I don’t feel any call to serve at the church. I haven’t been on a date in over a year and I feel really rejected. All I want to do is read and write and sleep. I’m moody, snappish, fatigued.
And somehow, I feel like I’m exactly where I should be. When I read, I feel like me. When I write, I feel like I’m moving forward.
I can feel myself changing. It’s almost like gears and cogs moving around inside me, making me into something new. It’s very hard to describe. It’s like I’m becoming a hybrid of my hard, surly teen self and the much more loving and compassionate twenty something self.
I know I’ve been chosen for a different path. I’ve always been different from everybody else. I’m getting better at appreciating that. He’s leading me somewhere. I know it. I just can’t see it.
This is deep water. This is where a lot of Christians fear to go. It’s much easier to go to church and visit God than to bring Him home with you.
But this is where you find out who you are. When it’s hard and uncomfortable and you can’t see any point in it. When the water is over your head and you have nothing but Jesus’s hand pulling you up and Him saying “Oh, ye of little faith.” This is where you let Him pull you out.
This is where you walk on the water.