It’s been nearly a month since I left my job and it’s been both awesome and stressful. I keep going back and forth from “I’m so glad I left” to “Holy crap! Why’d I leave the comfort of a full-time job?”
After a recent church class I realized that my angst is tied up in identity. Who am I now? Who am I if I’m not Kim the tax accountant?
I’m Kim, Who Lives at Home. I’m Kim, the aspiring author. I’m Kim, who volunteers with kids. I’m Kim, who wants to work with kids. I have to remind myself of that everyday, sometimes several times a day.
I do have plans but I want to take it one week at a time. God has told me he wants me to spend more time in prayer and I’m making an effort. I realize that I have to be patient and wait for Him to tell me where to go next. The last thing I want is to screw this whole thing up. This time is a gift from God and I’m not going to squander it.
That’s right, I want to be radical. Have you watched Darren Wilson’s films? If you haven’t, see them. They are amazing and life-changing. But what I want to say is, someone said that the people in Darren’s films are “radical.” I want to be like that.
I’ve said in my About change that I’m “sold out” to the Holy Spirit, meaning that I want Him to lead my life. No one else. Period. That’s why I quit my job. I felt God leading me away from accounting and it was a big “put up or shut up” moment. I might even go so far as to say it was radical. But that’s how I want to live my life. I want to live from one of those moments to the next.
I can’t really think how my life could have gotten more boring as it was. Now I finally feel excited to be doing things. I get up expectant for what He has for me. I do have a few tentative plans but nothing major. And that’s just fine with me. Here’s to being radical.
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11
So, I, uh, well… I kinda quit my job. Yikes. I actually wrote it. I quit my job to be a writer! Yay! Just kidding. Kind of.
Let me back up. I ran into a friend of a friend at Barnes and Noble the other weekend. I went to buy a copy of Thirteen Reasons Why and drink iced coffee in the cafe like a legit hipster. She’s going to a local college to get some kind of Masters and working there to make ends meet. I asked her how she was doing and she said she was happy doing that. Happy. I had a total epiphany. I have savings and I hate my job. What am I doing?
I’m just so over it. I’m over accounting, I’m over the utter crazy that is the management and I’m over being depressed about how my life turned out. So I didn’t get married in my twenties and get stuck in a job I hate because I’ve got bills to pay and kids to buy stuff for. That was the dream, right? Well, screw that. I just turned 30 and I’m going to take this opportunity to make myself happy, because I’m so tired of being practical and sucking it up for everyone but myself. And I may never get this opportunity again.
I also feel like God has something more for me. More than just this job and all the crap that goes with it. More than being single and yearning and all that blah, blah, blah. God is leading me away and I have to follow that no matter what. Like I’ve said it’s about trusting him even if others think you’re crazy. And trust me, there are some people who think I’m nuts for doing this.
So, anyway, I decided I’m going to take a gap year to find myself before I start the next chapter and find my bliss. Carpe diem, y’all!
June: Go on WordPress while bored at work. Think about how your blog could use a facelift. Decide to look around at the themes. Try one out and do some customizing. Abandon it. Pick another and play with customizing. Abandon it. Think that you really need to pick a new theme but they all seem to require you to actually take a picture and upload it. Go on Goodreads and look at your recommendations.
July: Get notification that it’s your third Blogiversary! Think that you should really get serious about updating your theme. It’s been two years since you picked the old one. Look at the themes again and write down three that you like. Make a mental note to do it on the weekend when you’re bored.
August: Go on WordPress while bored at work. Decide to look at the themes again. Search one that is good for text and doesn’t focus on photos. Find a good one and start customizing. Decide you don’t like the suggested header images. Search for a header image. Abandon search when you can’t find one in the right dimensions. Look at Facebook.
September: Go back to the theme you played with last month. Change the color scheme. Decide there is one suggested header image that really is kinda cool. Change your title font. Update your tagline because even though you’re not 30 yet it took you this long to get a new theme, so. Click Activate.
This is my 52nd post on this blog. I have now posted 52 times. I’m sure that means nothing to you but it means something to me. After I started this blog in July of 2013, it didn’t take long for me to get discouraged. By the fall I was ready to just pack it in. The blog would go down as yet another project that I started and didn’t follow through with. But then I made a deal with myself. I decided that I couldn’t give up on the blog until I had posted 52 times no matter how long that took. Why 52? It corresponds to the number of weeks in a year. Another goal I had was to post each week. I don’t know if that will ever be possible but I made good on my original deal. I posted 52 times.
This is a big accomplishment for me because I’m notorious for having big ideas and ambitions and then just abandoning them and starting something else. This blog is the biggest project I have stuck with and I don’t plan on stopping now. That pact I made almost two years ago got me over the hump and showed me it’s not about how many views you get. It’s about the enjoyment I get out of posting, no matter who sees it. It’s about practicing for other writing projects I want to pursue. It’s about being motivated and disciplined in a creative area. And it’s an outlet I need to pursue. Here’s to another 52!
I’ve only posted a few times on this blog and really I haven’t even had it a week but since today’s Daily Prompt is the origin of your blog I figured now is as good a time as any to give a little back story.
I’ve been having a few rough years. Work has been difficult, I haven’t had much luck in the dating world, and I’ve been feeling like a failure. Right out of college I attempted grad school to get the Masters in Accounting. That didn’t work out. I did get a good job though. I spent the first two years of my working life trying to make a relationship happen. I spent time on different dating sites and on bad first dates. A blog or two is forthcoming on that. I was convinced that if I just had a boyfriend everything would be so much better. I would be on my way to becoming a true adult and I could be like all my Facebook friends. Another seems to get married or have a baby every week. I thought I could apply the mantra of “hard work pays off” to finding a mate.
Over the last two years, I’ve just given up on dating. The stress of work and being down on myself for not attaining what I thought I was supposed to have by my mid-twenties was becoming overwhelming. A few weeks ago I discovered some blogs on WordPress. People were talking about themselves in a public forum and some were even expressing the same thoughts and feelings I’d been having. I’ve never considered myself a writer but I thought I could give it a shot. No one may ever read this but just knowing that I put my thoughts down on paper and committed it to the internet is enough for me. It’s made me finally accept that my life is what it is right now and no amount of striving is going to change that. Sometimes it’s better to just let life happen. And in the meantime, writing about everything seems to give me some purpose outside of eating, sleeping, and working.
So in short, this blog is kinda like therapy for me. It’s been cathartic getting this crap out of my head and sharing it with the world, whether anyone reads it or not. I don’t know how long I’ll keep up the blog. If it stops being fun, I’ll quit. I may not always be funny or even interesting but I will be me and that’s the most important thing.
... the musings of an BARELY thirty-something, married, Southern librarian with a wildly inappropriate sense of humor, an inability to gauge most emotional cues, a dear best friend since ninth grade, and a stubborn, mouthy, redheaded country boy to accompany her through life.