I may be going on a mission trip to Taiwan in April. I don’t know yet. I turned in an application and was then given an in-person interview with the Head of Missions. He was very nice, very polite, but I can’t say if the interview went well or not. I did a lot of interviewing for jobs this past summer and I found that you never can tell.
No matter how friendly the person may be, you always feel like you’re on your back foot the whole time. Like you’re being judged no matter what. And you are. That’s what interviews are all about.
When they ask questions, I always get the feeling that they have an answer in mind and if you don’t get it right, they write you off then and there. This was a little different than a job interview. They are praying and asking God who should go on this trip so He’s in control but I still felt that there was a “right” answer. I answered everything honestly and to the best of my ability. I don’t know exactly what he was looking for but my answers were me.
I’m not the perfect Christian or missionary. I don’t know everything. I’m just me. If they take me, I want them to take me because I’m me, not because I told them the “right” answers at an interview. Take me because I have something to offer, because I’m unique.
If this sounds like an old refrain from me, it is. I’m 31 years old and I’m still asking people to take me as I am, not how I “should” be. After everything, I still want you to want me.
That’s right, I want to be radical. Have you watched Darren Wilson’s films? If you haven’t, see them. They are amazing and life-changing. But what I want to say is, someone said that the people in Darren’s films are “radical.” I want to be like that.
I’ve said in my About change that I’m “sold out” to the Holy Spirit, meaning that I want Him to lead my life. No one else. Period. That’s why I quit my job. I felt God leading me away from accounting and it was a big “put up or shut up” moment. I might even go so far as to say it was radical. But that’s how I want to live my life. I want to live from one of those moments to the next.
I can’t really think how my life could have gotten more boring as it was. Now I finally feel excited to be doing things. I get up expectant for what He has for me. I do have a few tentative plans but nothing major. And that’s just fine with me. Here’s to being radical.
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11
So, I, uh, well… I kinda quit my job. Yikes. I actually wrote it. I quit my job to be a writer! Yay! Just kidding. Kind of.
Let me back up. I ran into a friend of a friend at Barnes and Noble the other weekend. I went to buy a copy of Thirteen Reasons Why and drink iced coffee in the cafe like a legit hipster. She’s going to a local college to get some kind of Masters and working there to make ends meet. I asked her how she was doing and she said she was happy doing that. Happy. I had a total epiphany. I have savings and I hate my job. What am I doing?
I’m just so over it. I’m over accounting, I’m over the utter crazy that is the management and I’m over being depressed about how my life turned out. So I didn’t get married in my twenties and get stuck in a job I hate because I’ve got bills to pay and kids to buy stuff for. That was the dream, right? Well, screw that. I just turned 30 and I’m going to take this opportunity to make myself happy, because I’m so tired of being practical and sucking it up for everyone but myself. And I may never get this opportunity again.
I also feel like God has something more for me. More than just this job and all the crap that goes with it. More than being single and yearning and all that blah, blah, blah. God is leading me away and I have to follow that no matter what. Like I’ve said it’s about trusting him even if others think you’re crazy. And trust me, there are some people who think I’m nuts for doing this.
So, anyway, I decided I’m going to take a gap year to find myself before I start the next chapter and find my bliss. Carpe diem, y’all!
Brokenness is usually seen as a bad thing. People want to “fix” you or help you “put yourself back together.” Maybe we should change our mindset about brokenness. My friend attended our church’s annual Women’s Retreat. They were given the following letter among others but this is what stuck out to me.
My favorite part is Jesus’s glory shines through the cracks. Your brokenness doesn’t have to define you or take over your life. If you lay it at Jesus’s feet, he will use it for good.
Yes, I have cracks and they are a part of who I am as a person. Those experiences have helped me get to where I am today. I want the light coming through those cracks to shine on the people around me. Depression is not my weakness. Jesus will use it as my strength. There are a lot of people out there who need to know that it’s okay to be broken. Medication and therapy are necessary but giving it to Jesus is the only way I know to truly heal. Let Him be your healer.
This summer has been hard. I’ve been really listless and bored. I just haven’t wanted to do anything or go anywhere. Some of it is the oppressive heat but a lot of it is me. I’m a home body. I’m not a very social person. I just prefer to stay home and watch Netflix or read. I know I need to get out more. I just haven’t had a lot of opportunities.
A recent sermon about mentors really hit me hard. Our pastor said to be living a Biblical life we need to be making disciples. We need to be mentoring someone and someone should be mentoring us. And I bristled a bit at that. Mentoring takes two. It takes someone investing time and love into you. That’s a little beyond my control. I can’t just ask someone to do that for me. It made me realize the lack of people in my life. So I started praying about it.
Last Saturday we had a women’s one-day conference at the church. At the end they announced that a woman who had just moved to the area was opening her house to women who wanted to connect. It was answered prayer. A small group met at her house the other night for fellowship and I didn’t have any anxiety about it. Usually, as soon as I sign up for something, I immediately regret it. It’s easier to just stay home and do my thing but I really felt like I needed this. And so did the other women there.
Our church is pushing these kinds of groups in homes because that’s the Biblical church. People connecting outside of church and becoming family. It is sorely needed. Our church has over a thousand people attending every Sunday and we come and go like ghosts. We want to connect with each other in a real way.
I’ve finally reached the point where I’m fed up with being a ghost. I need more people in my life. I have my family and my church fellowship group which are great, but I need more. I’m rebelling against myself. I’m rebelling against the urge to stay where I’m comfortable. My 30th birthday is coming up and I have actual plans for a celebration. That never happens. I went from having nothing to do to having a pretty full social calendar this fall.
I don’t know if taking myself on makes me a rebel with or without a cause but I do know it’s time and that God is faithful.
... the musings of a thirty-something, married, Southern teen librarian with a 14-year-old's sense of humor, an awkward spirit, and a stubborn, mouthy, redheaded country boy to accompany her through life.