My Longest Relationship Since High School

It was six dates.  Sad but true.  And a little bizarre I have to say.  Maybe our personalities didn’t match or maybe there was more going on beneath the surface.  Take a look at the dates and communication and see what you think.  Any insight is appreciated.

Background: He winked at me on Match.  I responded.  We exchanged a couple e-mails and decided to meet up for lunch on a Saturday.

Date #1: He’s an attractive man, 29, a little taller than I am which I appreciate.  He’s driving a small pickup truck.  Another thing I appreciate.  It’s a noon date so I’m fine with his khaki shorts and polo.  We meet at the local Italian chain restaurant and engage in the get-to-know-you stuff.  He’s a history teacher and football coach at a local high school.  He just moved back into the area to be closer to his family.  He loves football, especially one of the big college teams.  That’s par for the course anywhere but especially in the South.  That doesn’t bother me.  I’m a big fan of the NFL just not so much college.  Anyway, we have a nice lunch and he pays. 

I think it went well but I’m not too hopeful because of how other first dates have gone.  He texts me the next day.  We have several text conversations through the week and make plans for the next Saturday.

Date #2: We meet for lunch again.  This time at the local sports bar and restaurant.  Then we see an afternoon movie and I go home.  Nothing eventful.

We text again all week.  I’m really enjoying the conversations.  They get a little flirty.  That’s probably why I agree to the third date.  I keep thinking, “He must be into me.  He keeps flirting over text and asking me out again.”  So we have a third date.

Date #3: He invites me to his apartment for pizza and football.  That’s cool.  I head over to his apartment late afternoon.  We sit on his couch and talk about random stuff.  Football in the background.  We pick up a pizza, eat, talk a little more, the real game comes on, we talk during the commercials and then I leave.  Yeah, no real chemistry happening.

I’m a little confused at this point because each week over text he’s flirting and it seems like we have some things in common.  I think, “Maybe he’s just shy.”  So I forge ahead.

Date #4: The next Saturday, trying to avoid another boring and slightly awkward evening of football and stilted conversation, I suggest we go out.  It’s fall and a local farm has their corn maze set up.  He’s not too keen on the idea.  He has mentioned several times that he loves to just “chill on the couch” and when there’s a slight chance of rain on Saturday, he tries to get out of going.  I insist and we head to the corn maze.  It’s not what I had hoped.  My plan was to get us into a walking side-by-side situation where either he would hold my hand or I could take his and try to get something going.  The maze was narrow, allowing barely enough room to walk single-file.  I’ve also learned I’m really not good at mazes.  We found our way out and went to eat.  (We didn’t make it to the end.  We retraced our steps to the beginning.  Pathetic, I know.)  We had a lack luster dinner and I went home.

This week same as before.  We find out that our birthdays are only three days apart and are happening that week.  So we plan a combined birthday celebration for the next, wait for it, Saturday.  (He was a football coach so he was a little busy on Fridays.  I was cool with it.)  I must admit I was almost over it at this point.  But it seemed wrong to breakup with someone on his birthday, so I went ahead with it.

Date #5: I was sick of meeting in the daylight because I believe that dating should involve sexy outfits and heels, which are usually too much for a noon-time lunch.  His suggestion is another trip to the sports bar for wings but I really just can’t handle that.  I insist on a nice dinner at my favorite hibatchi place and an EVENING movie.  Come on, this is a birthday for crying out loud!  Can we please for once date like adults and not teenagers who are getting dropped off by their parents and have to be home before dark?  So we do.  I even get him a present.  Salt and pepper shakers with his favorite football team’s logo.  Not great, but I didn’t know him very well.  He said he’d give me my present on Monday, which was my actual birthday.

Monday:  A lovely bouquet of flowers arrives at my office with a sweet note.  He’s been talking about taking me to a college football game because he’s sure that I’ll love it and there’s one coming up that Saturday.  His family has season tickets.  I decide to give it one last shot.  He did send me flowers, after all.

Date #6: Long boring car ride, even longer tailgate and football game, extremely long wait at a restaurant afterwards, and a traffic jam on the way home.  I never have understood the cult of college football and now I know that I will never understand it.  The conversation was like talking to a co-worker not a date, I had to meet his parents (waaayyy too soon for that), and he never once tried to hold my hand or anything.

The next day, I sent him a Facebook message and politely told him we didn’t have anything in common and I wanted to stop seeing him.  He said he agreed.

Soooo, what?  He’s just not that into me?  What was with the texting all the time and the flirting and always asking for another date?  And flowers on my birthday?  That all pointed to him being into me but when we were together he never once made a move and he always wanted to just get lunch and go to a matinee.  Or just “chill” at his apartment.  Was he not over somebody, was he gay, or was he just that devoid of personality?  This was just confusing.  But I’m glad I made the effort.  It wasn’t much but it was a learning experience.

So Sue Me (Online Dating Part 3)

The third E-Harmony date went something like this:

He was 24 and a lawyer.  He was also going back to school to get his MBA.  Not sure why someone who’s already a lawyer at 24 needs an MBA but whatever.  He was originally from Tennessee.  Okay, that may not seem like a big deal but if you read my blog about my first E-Harmony date, you’ll remember that he was from Tennessee.  My high school boyfriend was, too.  So at this point I have dated a total of 4 guys and 3 of them have been from fucking Tennessee.  What are the odds on that?

Anyway, we met at a pizza place.  The conversation was pleasant.  It wasn’t until I looked back on it that I realized he spent most of the meal bitching about his job and his pro bono work helping a fraternity get a house.  I mentioned that I was an accountant.  His first question, knowing nothing else about my career, was “When are you going to sit?”  Um, did I say I was trying to become a CPA?  Did I say I had any desire to become a CPA?  Now, granted, at that time, I had just left a Masters of Accountancy program and the issue was kind of a hang up for me.  I had decided not to pursue the CPA but still had people trying to convince me to change my mind.  My point is, it was a sensitive subject but it was still weird that he asked that particular question.  As if being a staff accountant wasn’t good enough and he assumed that no one could be happy with something as pedestrian as that.  He then goes off on a tangent about the death tax and when he’s done rambling he stares at me, waiting for a response.  I give a non-committal Uh-huh.  He then says, “Oh, I was going to get you to weigh in on it.”  Dude, I just graduated from college and I’m doing my best to learn my job but that doesn’t mean I spend my free time reading up on random tax issues.

So I steered away from that as quickly as possible.  I asked one of my go-to get-to-know-you questions, What’s your favorite movie?  I’m convinced that you can tell a lot about a person by their entertainment choices.  He rambled a little bit, something about “stock guy answers like The Godfather or Gladiator.”   (Fucking Gladiator again!)  Then he said, “Yeah, The Godfather.”  Okay, so you just said that’s a stock guy answer but it’s still your favorite movie.  If it’s your favorite movie, then own it.  Don’t make some weird excuse for it.  Whatever.

Again I agree to continue the date when I really shouldn’t have been wasting my time.  Remember that I was desperate for a relationship and was willing to give anything a chance.  I didn’t want to throw something good away on a less-than-perfect first impression.  We went to a bar for a drink.

I don’t remember who brought up the topic of religion but there it was.  I said I liked the non-denominational church but missed the ritual of the Methodist church.  He says that he majored in Political and Theological Philosophy in college and proceeded to expound on the issue.  Dude, I don’t know about you but I came for a date, not a lecture.  Then he gets into politics and continues lecturing about issues.  I finally wrap up the date and leave. 

When I looked back at the date I realized that this guy was an over-educated, self-important, pompous twat.  He e-mailed me four days later and asked for a second date.  You’ll be happy to know that I had enough self-respect to turn him down.  An e-mail after four days isn’t being interested, it’s an afterthought.  Somehow, I just think I deserve more than that.  Sue me.

Lights, Camera, No Action (Online Dating Part 2)

Okay, round two.  E-Harmony’s second offering was a little better but still disappointing.  And confusing. 

 I can’t remember who made the first move but we exchanged e-mails and had a couple long phone convos and some texting.  He worked nights for the local news as a video editor.  He seemed cool enough.  We decided to meet for lunch because of his work schedule.  I took my lunch hour and met him at a Mexican restaurant.

 Again, he’s not bad looking and has a little bit of lisp.  From his eagerness on the phone and over text, I was a little wary.  He wanted to talk to me so much that he called during his dinner break and I listened to him crunch on tacos at Taco Bell.  I thought he might want to jump into things too soon and I was not down for that.  It was the most boring date.  I couldn’t think of anything to say and if I did start a topic, he would latch onto it and then I couldn’t get a word in.  It was mercifully short because I was on my lunch hour.  As we’re walking out, he will not stop talking.  I don’t even know what he was saying.  I tried to tell him I had to get back to work but I don’t think he heard me.  I finally just wandered over to my car and he drifted toward his, still talking.  What the hell?  By the time I got back to work, he had already texted me saying he had a great time.  I said I had a good time even though that wasn’t strictly true.  He texted me again that night and I responded.  I was willing to give it a second date just in case but then nothing.  He just dropped off the face of the earth.  Really strange.  Maybe he wasn’t over-eager.  Maybe he was just crazy.

Oh, the Humanity! (Online Dating Part 1)

When I left grad school in the fall of 2009, I figured it would be a good idea to start dating.  I was 22, just starting my first big-girl job, and it seemed like the natural next step.  My plan was to get on E-Harmony and find that perfect guy and settle down and things would be perfect.  Well, let’s just say it didn’t quite work out that way.

I got a hit right away, which ended up being misleading.  I thought, “Oh, wow, this is going to be easy.  See?  I’ve already got someone interested in me.”  We exchanged some e-mails and had a couple phone conversations and he seemed really great.  He was originally from Tennessee and was living close by working as a computer programmer/consultant type thing.  Not sure exactly what it was but it was a good full-time job.  We arranged to meet for dinner at Outback.

He was coming from the next town over so he didn’t know his way around.  I told him to meet me at the mall because that would be easier to find than the restaurant.  I finally find him after a very confusing phone convo where we tried to figure out which door each of us was standing by.  He’s not bad looking but I’m sure he’s completely bald by now.  So, we take his car to the restaurant.  His car.  Oh, my.  I expected someone like him to show up to a date in a decent car.  Doesn’t have to be a BMW but I expected something more than a dingy, once-silver coupe from at least 1990.  He explains that he has another car, he just likes driving this one because it’s a V8.  Not sure if that was supposed to impress me.  He opens the passenger door for me and I think that’s really gentlemanly until he says that you really have to slam it to get it to shut all the way so he’ll do it from the outside.  How chivalrous.  The engine is loud and the whole car shakes when he accelerates.  Again, do other girls think things like that are impressive?

Anyway, there’s a wait for a table so we take a seat on a bench.  We’re sitting close because it’s crowded but then he puts his arm around me.  Um, too soon, buddy. We’re having a nice conversation and he mentions that he likes to camp.  Then he says, “Tell me how you would make a s’more.  And just so you know, this is a test.”  Um, what?  Okay, fine, I’ll play along.  I give the directions and he says, “Right!” like I’m on Jeopardy or something.  Okaaayy…

We get a table and order.  It appears we’ve run out of things to talk about at this point.  I ask what his favorite movie is.  He takes a really long time to think about it and then says Gladiator.  Gladiator?  Okay, I’m not so crazy that someone’s favorite movie being something I thought was crap is a deal breaker, but I shudder to think what other movies were flashing before his eyes before he came up with that.  Against my better judgment, I agree to go see a movie after dinner.

He holds my hand while we walk back to his car.  Dude, seriously, we just met.  And then while driving, he leans over and puts his arm around me again all the way to the theatre.  Duuude…

We saw Paranormal Activity.  It was the first one.  I had already seen it but I didn’t say anything because it was starting soon and I didn’t want to wait.  Apparently he thinks it’s cool to make comments about a film as you watch it and try to predict what’s going to happen next.  Super irritating.  His phone keeps buzzing and he’s texting during the movie.  Then at one point, he leaves the theatre to take a call.  First of all, that’s bad theatre etiquette but more importantly:  We’re on a DATE, douche bag!  Ahhh…

After the movie, he drives me back to the mall to get my car.  He asks if I want to do it again sometime and I say yes because at the time I was still enamored with the fact that I was on a date at all and inexplicably I thought that I would go out with this clown again.  Before I can even get my door open in the dark, deserted mall parking lot, he roars away in his rattling deathtrap.  Mr. Considerate, everyone.  Of course, I never hear from him again and I was actually sad about it for a while until I realized just how horrible a first date that really was.  And then I was sad that I was actually desperate enough to want to go on another date with that guy.  Sheesh.