When I left grad school in the fall of 2009, I figured it would be a good idea to start dating.  I was 22, just starting my first big-girl job, and it seemed like the natural next step.  My plan was to get on E-Harmony and find that perfect guy and settle down and things would be perfect.  Well, let’s just say it didn’t quite work out that way.

I got a hit right away, which ended up being misleading.  I thought, “Oh, wow, this is going to be easy.  See?  I’ve already got someone interested in me.”  We exchanged some e-mails and had a couple phone conversations and he seemed really great.  He was originally from Tennessee and was living close by working as a computer programmer/consultant type thing.  Not sure exactly what it was but it was a good full-time job.  We arranged to meet for dinner at Outback.

He was coming from the next town over so he didn’t know his way around.  I told him to meet me at the mall because that would be easier to find than the restaurant.  I finally find him after a very confusing phone convo where we tried to figure out which door each of us was standing by.  He’s not bad looking but I’m sure he’s completely bald by now.  So, we take his car to the restaurant.  His car.  Oh, my.  I expected someone like him to show up to a date in a decent car.  Doesn’t have to be a BMW but I expected something more than a dingy, once-silver coupe from at least 1990.  He explains that he has another car, he just likes driving this one because it’s a V8.  Not sure if that was supposed to impress me.  He opens the passenger door for me and I think that’s really gentlemanly until he says that you really have to slam it to get it to shut all the way so he’ll do it from the outside.  How chivalrous.  The engine is loud and the whole car shakes when he accelerates.  Again, do other girls think things like that are impressive?

Anyway, there’s a wait for a table so we take a seat on a bench.  We’re sitting close because it’s crowded but then he puts his arm around me.  Um, too soon, buddy. We’re having a nice conversation and he mentions that he likes to camp.  Then he says, “Tell me how you would make a s’more.  And just so you know, this is a test.”  Um, what?  Okay, fine, I’ll play along.  I give the directions and he says, “Right!” like I’m on Jeopardy or something.  Okaaayy…

We get a table and order.  It appears we’ve run out of things to talk about at this point.  I ask what his favorite movie is.  He takes a really long time to think about it and then says Gladiator.  Gladiator?  Okay, I’m not so crazy that someone’s favorite movie being something I thought was crap is a deal breaker, but I shudder to think what other movies were flashing before his eyes before he came up with that.  Against my better judgment, I agree to go see a movie after dinner.

He holds my hand while we walk back to his car.  Dude, seriously, we just met.  And then while driving, he leans over and puts his arm around me again all the way to the theatre.  Duuude…

We saw Paranormal Activity.  It was the first one.  I had already seen it but I didn’t say anything because it was starting soon and I didn’t want to wait.  Apparently he thinks it’s cool to make comments about a film as you watch it and try to predict what’s going to happen next.  Super irritating.  His phone keeps buzzing and he’s texting during the movie.  Then at one point, he leaves the theatre to take a call.  First of all, that’s bad theatre etiquette but more importantly:  We’re on a DATE, douche bag!  Ahhh…

After the movie, he drives me back to the mall to get my car.  He asks if I want to do it again sometime and I say yes because at the time I was still enamored with the fact that I was on a date at all and inexplicably I thought that I would go out with this clown again.  Before I can even get my door open in the dark, deserted mall parking lot, he roars away in his rattling deathtrap.  Mr. Considerate, everyone.  Of course, I never hear from him again and I was actually sad about it for a while until I realized just how horrible a first date that really was.  And then I was sad that I was actually desperate enough to want to go on another date with that guy.  Sheesh.