Author Archives: Kimberly Filkins

Pennywise Lives!

I love Stephen King and It is my all-time favorite.  So I totally LOLed when I saw this British news article.  Apparently, someone (or maybe multiple people) is dressing up like a clown and bombarding people in the streets.  I have no idea what the motive is here but if it’s to be freakin’ hilarious, then you have succeeded, sir.

I especially love that people are really freaked out about it.  It just goes to show that clowns really are terrifying to most of the population.  I’m not scared of clowns, per se but I do think they’re kinda creepy.  Even if they’re trying to be all happy and kid-friendly.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that clowns should be banned.  I mean, really, if a guy in a clown suit can put an entire town on edge, there’s something wrong with the institution.

So I guess the person who vandalized the Derry town memorial statue was right.  PENNYWISE LIVES!

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Source: The Atlantic Wire

Oh, the Humanity! (Online Dating Part 1)

When I left grad school in the fall of 2009, I figured it would be a good idea to start dating.  I was 22, just starting my first big-girl job, and it seemed like the natural next step.  My plan was to get on E-Harmony and find that perfect guy and settle down and things would be perfect.  Well, let’s just say it didn’t quite work out that way.

I got a hit right away, which ended up being misleading.  I thought, “Oh, wow, this is going to be easy.  See?  I’ve already got someone interested in me.”  We exchanged some e-mails and had a couple phone conversations and he seemed really great.  He was originally from Tennessee and was living close by working as a computer programmer/consultant type thing.  Not sure exactly what it was but it was a good full-time job.  We arranged to meet for dinner at Outback.

He was coming from the next town over so he didn’t know his way around.  I told him to meet me at the mall because that would be easier to find than the restaurant.  I finally find him after a very confusing phone convo where we tried to figure out which door each of us was standing by.  He’s not bad looking but I’m sure he’s completely bald by now.  So, we take his car to the restaurant.  His car.  Oh, my.  I expected someone like him to show up to a date in a decent car.  Doesn’t have to be a BMW but I expected something more than a dingy, once-silver coupe from at least 1990.  He explains that he has another car, he just likes driving this one because it’s a V8.  Not sure if that was supposed to impress me.  He opens the passenger door for me and I think that’s really gentlemanly until he says that you really have to slam it to get it to shut all the way so he’ll do it from the outside.  How chivalrous.  The engine is loud and the whole car shakes when he accelerates.  Again, do other girls think things like that are impressive?

Anyway, there’s a wait for a table so we take a seat on a bench.  We’re sitting close because it’s crowded but then he puts his arm around me.  Um, too soon, buddy. We’re having a nice conversation and he mentions that he likes to camp.  Then he says, “Tell me how you would make a s’more.  And just so you know, this is a test.”  Um, what?  Okay, fine, I’ll play along.  I give the directions and he says, “Right!” like I’m on Jeopardy or something.  Okaaayy…

We get a table and order.  It appears we’ve run out of things to talk about at this point.  I ask what his favorite movie is.  He takes a really long time to think about it and then says Gladiator.  Gladiator?  Okay, I’m not so crazy that someone’s favorite movie being something I thought was crap is a deal breaker, but I shudder to think what other movies were flashing before his eyes before he came up with that.  Against my better judgment, I agree to go see a movie after dinner.

He holds my hand while we walk back to his car.  Dude, seriously, we just met.  And then while driving, he leans over and puts his arm around me again all the way to the theatre.  Duuude…

We saw Paranormal Activity.  It was the first one.  I had already seen it but I didn’t say anything because it was starting soon and I didn’t want to wait.  Apparently he thinks it’s cool to make comments about a film as you watch it and try to predict what’s going to happen next.  Super irritating.  His phone keeps buzzing and he’s texting during the movie.  Then at one point, he leaves the theatre to take a call.  First of all, that’s bad theatre etiquette but more importantly:  We’re on a DATE, douche bag!  Ahhh…

After the movie, he drives me back to the mall to get my car.  He asks if I want to do it again sometime and I say yes because at the time I was still enamored with the fact that I was on a date at all and inexplicably I thought that I would go out with this clown again.  Before I can even get my door open in the dark, deserted mall parking lot, he roars away in his rattling deathtrap.  Mr. Considerate, everyone.  Of course, I never hear from him again and I was actually sad about it for a while until I realized just how horrible a first date that really was.  And then I was sad that I was actually desperate enough to want to go on another date with that guy.  Sheesh.

Daily Prompt: Regrets, I’ve Had a Few

Regrets really suck.  I’m happy to say that when I saw this daily prompt I didn’t immediately have a whole list of things pop into my head.  I guess that means I’m winning at life.  Or maybe not.  I think the reason I don’t have that many regrets is because I haven’t done that much stuff.  I’m a pretty anxious and anal person and there have been things I haven’t done because of it.  Like go to a friend’s birthday party or go out drinking with college roommates.  The things that cement relationships and make people want to remember you.  And I guess that in itself is my biggest regret.

 I regret being so serious about clogging as a teenager.  I blew it way out of proportion and was a snob about it.  I don’t regret practicing and the opportunity to compete.  It taught me a lot about hard work and handling pressure but I should have been more chill about it.

I regret not working harder to keep relationships from school.  Of course, like most people after graduation, I never wanted to see them again.   But now eight years on, I wish I had kept in touch.  They weren’t all bad people.  And people change.  I know I have.

I regret not going to church through my high school and college years.  I think it would have helped me deal with things better.

I regret being a snob about things that don’t matter, like music, movies, and books.

But there are a lot of things I don’t regret.

Leaving grad school

Spending more time studying than partying

Traveling to Scotland

Dance lessons

Becoming an accountant (I do have those days though)

We all have regrets but dwelling on them doesn’t help.  If it’s something you can’t change then forget about it.  But if it’s something you can learn from, it’s worth remembering.

Frenemies

Frenemy is not a new term but it’s a new concept in my life.  I’ve always been a person who has friends and acquaintances and if you don’t fall into one of those categories you are either a complete stranger or you are an enemy.  That’s how I handled all my relationships throughout school.  As soon as you pissed me off, we were done.  I would just politely and coldly wait until you were out of my life and then you would just be dead to me.  But as I move into other stages of my life, I’m finding that waiting someone out isn’t always an option. 

So, I’ve found myself developing frenemy relationships.  Now, Wikipedia defines frenemy as an enemy pretending to be your friend or an actual friend who happens to be a rival.  But I would add another definition.  A frenemy can also be a person who thoughtlessly hurts you and pisses you off but just goes about everything as if nothing is wrong and you still have friendly relations with this person.  I’ve found that this is the only way to keep yourself from going insane.  When it’s impossible to cut these people out of your life and telling them what you really think of them wouldn’t accomplish anything, it’s better to just accept it and move forward.  It does feel pretty strange when you’re having a pleasant conversation with someone who just did something really shitty to you, though.  I keep thinking, “Shouldn’t I be cold and distant with this person?  Letting them know that they have lost my respect and friendship?”  And really the answer is no.  I have to coexist with this person so I might as well make the best of it.  Now, I don’t extend the frenemy relationship to everyone.  There are some people who don’t deserve even that consideration and they are still on my enemy list but some just aren’t worth the effort.  It doesn’t change what they’ve done, but sometimes it’s easier to just get along with them. 

Is that maturity or stupidity?  Am I setting myself up to become a doormat to this person?  Or am I taking the proverbial high road?  For now, it doesn’t matter.  I let the little things go and keep an eye out for anything that might need to be dealt with head on.  Bottom line is, I know when I’m being taken advantage of but I also know when to turn down the steam and let it ride.  Life’s just too damn short.

Graduate School Dropout

I’m pretty smart.  I graduated high school ranked fourth in the class and had a ridiculously high GPA.  Yeah, I was one of those kids.  I thought I could do whatever I wanted because everything in high school had come so easy.  That changed when I got to college.  I went to a small but highly ranked private college and it was not easy.  I thought I could do Chemistry.  Yeah, not so much.  Almost flunked it.  Wasn’t so good at Economics either.  I landed on accounting because it was sophomore year and I really needed to settle on a major and accounting didn’t suck that much.  Well, the higher level courses sucked but I worked my ass off and managed to get good grades anyway.

Grad school seemed like a forgone conclusion.  They made it sound so easy.  Just take the courses and get the Masters and sit for the exam.  It’ll be over in a year and you’ll have the CPA and the world will be your oyster.  Easy?  What about that is easy?  Well, I believed them.  I passed the GMAT and got accepted.  I lined up an apartment and a roommate.  It seemed like everything was going to be fine.

Nothing was fine. 

The classes were bizarre to say the least.  We were all forced to take Accounting Theory.  That is exactly what you think it is.  Bullshit.  We read articles like “Is the Accounting Equation Really an Equation?” and watched videos about Enron.  The professor was a gaping asshole.  He was in the process of suing the school for the third or fourth time just because he wanted to see their charitable contributions information or some shit. In Auditing we read and discussed Animal Farm.  What the fuck does that have to do with auditing?  We were told we had to say something during every class or we’d fail.  And he didn’t want us to raise our hands.  So we’d step all over each other and shout to be heard.  Then the professor told us it wasn’t just enough to add something meaningful to the discussion each day.  Only the people who were “driving the bus of the conversation” would get a good score that day.  How were all of us supposed to “drive the bus” enough to get a decent grade in the class?

Those of us without jobs lined up were required to attend recruiting events and go on interviews.  There was an open house at one of the local firms so the lowly unemployed put on our suits and heels and met up with the recruiter after classes and then WALKED the bazillion miles from the campus to the firm.  And then STOOD for another hour and a half.  I don’t think my feet have ever been that sore.  Thankfully, I was able to wrangle a ride back to the parking garage with another student and her boyfriend.  The school arranged interviews on campus for us with local firms looking to hire.  It was the fall of 2009, the economic crisis was settling in, and rumors were flying that firms weren’t hiring like they did in previous years.  I got an interview, drove downtown, realized that Google Maps had lied to me that there was a parking garage near the building, found another garage, got lost, asked for directions, ran six blocks in heels and a suit, and arrived sweaty and out of breath just to be told that this firm didn’t actually have any positions available, they were just interviewing students to keep their relationship with the school.  All I got for my trouble was a gigantic blister that popped into a gooey mess the next day.  I’d had enough.

Yes, I was burned out from college.  Yes, I was rooming with a sociopath.  Yes, the classes were crazy.  But the reason I left after only two months was because I just didn’t want to be a CPA.  Everybody was trying to convince me that it was the only path, that I had to get those three letters or I would never make it.  I was failing 3 out of my 4 classes and would have flunked out at the end of the semester but I went ahead and left because I knew I just wasn’t cut out for it.  I didn’t spend a lot of time feeling like a failure because college taught me to know your limits.  If you can’t do it, even with a lot of hard work, that’s okay.  You can’t be good at everything.  And no one’s going to make me feel bad about dropping out.  The happy ending is that as soon as I got home I got a job at the small firm I had interned with.  So, moral of the story, don’t let professors or anybody else tell you how you should live your life.  I decided to drop out of grad school and I haven’t regretted it at all.

Not to Church

This is a follow up to one of my previous posts “To Church or Not to Church” where I lamented the absence of fellow 20 somethings at churches.  I think I may have shed some light on my own question:  Church can be exhausting.

I’m not talking about long services (and God knows I have sat through some marathons) but what the church expects of its members.  I spent two years at a very small non-denominational church and enjoyed it for the most part.  I did get involved.  I brought a dish to the potluck, food for the poor, volunteered in the nursery, went to the Bible study, and led a short-lived dance worship group.  But it seemed like that was never enough.  There weren’t enough people to cover the nursery so I was always getting called in at the last minute and people weren’t showing up for the dance thing.  And they always wanted me to be doing something more.  I left that particular church for reasons unrelated to that but it’s something that seems to be happening everywhere.

I went to another non-denominational church that wasn’t a whole lot bigger.  I only went a couple times but while I was there, I was encouraged to take the New Member Class so I could get my Member Certificate.  What, are we in first grade?  But that’s another discussion.  Then the pastor went on and on about how we’re supposed to serve and it’s not okay to just attend.  You have to be a member and you have to be involved in some way and you have to do, do, do.  The reason I left this one was because there were no young people there.  I tried one that was bigger but not a mega church.  There were a few young people there but again I got the Do Speech.  I started to ask myself, “Am I not a good Christian if I’m not involved in something?”  I got so wrapped up in trying to get involved and meet people and be what I was “supposed” to be and do what I was “supposed” to do that I ended up feeling completely disconnected from the church.  Instead of being preached to, I felt preached at.  It felt like I was being told I wasn’t good enough.  As if I don’t get enough of that from other aspects of my life.

After a couple months of striving to be the model Christian I realized that this was people stuff, not God stuff.  Yes, the Bible says that Christians should congregate and volunteer their resources to help those less fortunate but people can take that too far.  They try to do too much and expect everyone else to do that too.  I want to be involved and help but I also don’t want to be looked down on if I just need to attend services and be fed for a while.  This and the other stresses in my life were becoming overwhelming so I made the decision to take a break from church for a while.  And maybe that’s what other young Christians are doing.  It’s not because we’re lazy or we don’t want to help, we’re just tired of being told we’re not good enough.  Many 20 somethings are unmarried, childless, and don’t have a good enough job, leading some to think of themselves as failures already.  I did for years.  We don’t need the church encouraging those kinds of feelings.

The Church is made up of people and therefore imperfect but I hope that pastors can understand that pounding on and guilting people into serving is not the way to go about it.  I’m taking a break from church not because I’m turning away from God but because there are times when you just need to rest your mind and tune out all those voices telling you to be better, do more.  This is just my season of rest.  Church will probably come with another stage of my life.

15 Things I Wish I Could Tell My 16-Year-Old Self

1.      Things do get better but not always how you think they will.

2.      There are people like you.  You just find them on the internet and not in your real life.

3.      You are not God’s gift to academia.  You will almost fail chemistry in college.

4.      You are not Daria.

5.      Don’t be such a hardass.  We all do the best we can.

6.      Hard work doesn’t always pay off.  And that’s okay.

7.      Not knowing who Tom Waits is doesn’t make someone an idiot.

8.      Clogging is not as important or as awesome as you think it is. (Seriously, stop clogging.  You’re going to ruin your knee.  Too late.  Shit.)

9.      You will see these people again.  On Facebook.  Don’t worry, sometimes that’s a good thing.

10.  You will never completely rid your life of terrible people.  Get used to it.

11.  Learn to love exercise.  (Man, that would have made things so much easier.)

12.  Teachers are just people.  They’re not trying to ruin your life.  You’re not that important.

13.  You are more naïve than you think you are.

14.  People will always surprise you.

15.  You’re right.  Being a teenager sucks.  But it doesn’t last forever.

Back to School is Getting to Me (And I Don’t Even Go to School)

It happens every year.  After July 4th here I am thinking about fall and school.  I’ve been out of college for four years and still when I see those “Back to School” commercials and posters it makes me cringe.  Why?  I do not know.  I don’t have kids, I have no plans to go back to school, and I’m fine with my field so it seems odd that it would bother me.  Maybe because we all spend so much time in school in our early lives that it just embeds itself so deep in our subconscious that even as adults we can’t shake those anticipated first-day-back jitters.  Or maybe it’s because I was so burned out on school when I graduated that even thinking about taking another test made me sick to my stomach.

When I was in school I would have stress dreams about being late for class or failing a test or getting in trouble for something.  It made sense at the time.  Those were things I was dealing with on a daily basis.  And now, four years into my working life, I still have those dreams.  My stress is now coming from deadlines and deadbeat clients but it still manifests in a dream about not being able to find the right classroom.  Even weirder, I recently had recurring dreams about being contacted by my high school and told that I shouldn’t have graduated because I needed one more class they forgot about.  The only way to fix the mix up is for me to come to the school in the middle of the day and take that class with the current students.  I then stress out about trying to get my boss to let me take the time off for it.  I always awake from these dreams extremely relieved that’s all they were. 

What it comes down to is how your memories affect you.  I always remember hating the “Back to School” stuff because it meant my wonderful solitude was over and I had go back and see all those people I disliked.  Don’t get me wrong, my school experience wasn’t all bad.  There were some good times but I have no desire to relive any of them.  I’m just glad that now when those commercials come on and my heart rate goes up, I can just take a deep breath and ignore it.  I’m much happier dealing with the dreams than the real thing.

To Church or Not to Church?

I’m a Christian.  I grew up in the Methodist Church.  I spent my high school and college years as a believer but didn’t attend any church regularly.  I started going to a non-denominational a couple years ago.  I wanted to get to know other Christians, particularly ones my own age (ie twentysomethings).  Too bad nobody told me they don’t exist.  Or at least they don’t seem to be in the churches.  Or maybe they just aren’t in the churches I’ve attended. 

I know some people who go to the local mega church so I decided to see what that was all about.  I felt like I was at a concert not a church.  Now, I’m not saying a church has to have stained-class windows and wooden pews and rotting carpet and old-people smell but this was set up in a hotel and you had to wind your way through several hallways to find the “sanctuary.”  I would probably still be there if my friend who attends there regularly hadn’t gotten me through that labyrinth.  Everywhere you looked there were flashy signs and all these different rooms.  I’m still not sure what all of them were for.  Certainly not anything as mundane as prayer or Bible study.  This is mega church after all.  I do know what one was for.  It was the “Overflow Room.”  Not as ominous as it sounds.  It was for the people who got up to go to the bathroom during the service.  Yeah, they don’t let you back in.  I may be the only one but that kind of restriction and rule setting really breaks down the feeling of community.

The pastor isn’t there by the way.  He’s in some other part of the state and you watch him via satellite on the big screen.  That’s another thing that bothers me.  It makes me feel removed from everything somehow.  The size and scope of it all makes me feel like I’m being kept at arm’s length.  And I realize they are reaching a lot of people that way and that’s great.  Call me old fashioned but I thought that church was a place like-minded (and hearted) people got together to have a community and friendship.  This just seems like more media.  Watch the pastor on TV, just have them debit your bank account for your tithe and that’s it.  No interaction.  They do offer smaller groups and have events to get people together but I’m an introverted person.  I’m not great at busting up in somewhere and making a party.  It works for some (and maybe a lot considering the size of these things) but there’s an intimacy that I crave in a church.

But I digress.  I’m wondering why young people like myself aren’t seen very much in the church.  Are they all at the mega church getting another media fix or are they simply uninterested? Have they turned away from God or do they work jobs where they often have to work on Sundays and never have a chance to attend regularly?   A disturbing thing I see is all the younger people at church are couples.  Where are all the freaking young SINGLE people?  My mother told me she’s heard many young people over the years say things like, “When you’re married then you go to church.”  Really?  So partying until all hours on a Saturday night is more important that doing God’s work?  Church is only acceptable when you’re old and married and have stretch marks and maybe a divorce?  Is church considered “uncool”?  That’s very disheartening to me.  I want to find other people like me (and a husband by the way) but I guess I’m not going to find them in the church.

Daily Prompt: Origin Story (or The Meaning of Blog Life)

I’ve only posted a few times on this blog and really I haven’t even had it a week but since today’s Daily Prompt is the origin of your blog I figured now is as good a time as any to give a little back story.

I’ve been having a few rough years.  Work has been difficult, I haven’t had much luck in the dating world, and I’ve been feeling like a failure.  Right out of college I attempted grad school to get the Masters in Accounting.  That didn’t work out.  I did get a good job though.  I spent the first two years of my working life trying to make a relationship happen.  I spent time on different dating sites and on bad first dates.  A blog or two is forthcoming on that.  I was convinced that if I just had a boyfriend everything would be so much better.  I would be on my way to becoming a true adult and I could be like all my Facebook friends.  Another seems to get married or have a baby every week.  I thought I could apply the mantra of “hard work pays off” to finding a mate.

Over the last two years, I’ve just given up on dating.  The stress of work and being down on myself for not attaining what I thought I was supposed to have by my mid-twenties was becoming overwhelming.  A few weeks ago I discovered some blogs on WordPress.  People were talking about themselves in a public forum and some were even expressing the same thoughts and feelings I’d been having.  I’ve never considered myself a writer but I thought I could give it a shot.  No one may ever read this but just knowing that I put my thoughts down on paper and committed it to the internet is enough for me.  It’s made me finally accept that my life is what it is right now and no amount of striving is going to change that.  Sometimes it’s better to just let life happen.  And in the meantime, writing about everything seems to give me some purpose outside of eating, sleeping, and working.

So in short, this blog is kinda like therapy for me.  It’s been cathartic getting this crap out of my head and sharing it with the world, whether anyone reads it or not.  I don’t know how long I’ll keep up the blog.  If it stops being fun, I’ll quit.  I may not always be funny or even interesting but I will be me and that’s the most important thing.