Author Archives: Kimberly Filkins

The Unglamorous Mission

Let’s face it. To many of us in the Christian faith, missionaries are rock stars. They go off to foreign lands, risking life and limb to do God’s work. They come back with amazing testimonies of healing and miracles and if we’re honest we get a little jealous. At least, I do. That’s because I would love to do what they do. I want to serve God in a big way. Being a missionary seems big and everything else seems small to a human’s way of thinking.

But we need to look at it from Jesus’s perspective. In Luke 15:4 Jesus tells the parable of the lost sheep: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” He shows us that God cares about all his children individually. He doesn’t care more about the poor in another country than he does the rich person in America who doesn’t know Him. Missionary Heidi Baker has said, “Missions isn’t about where you are. It’s about where He is.”

Last summer I read Heidi’s book, Compelled by Love. It really got me interested in missions and I longed for an opportunity to do it. I wanted to travel to another country and minister to the people there, to pray for them. Little did I know he had an assignment for me right here at home.

I’ve written about my assignment at work on this blog. I know it was an assignment because He specifically asked me to do it. I was asked to pray and be a conduit for the Holy Spirit in my office. I prayed for Him to change the hearts and minds of co-workers and I worked to promote communication and team work at all levels, to support the ones who were discouraged, to show that respect and love work so much better than intimidation and manipulation.

It has taken me awhile to realize that this was a mission. God gave me the testimonies of international missionaries to prepare me for a spiritual fight in my workplace. It was difficult, it got ugly, but I continued to pray for all of us to pull through it because God loves the people in my office just as much as He loves people in other countries.

Nobody is going to write a book about it. I’m not going to get on stage somewhere and give the testimony. To us it seems so small, but to God it’s huge. When we change our perspective on what’s “glamorous” and what isn’t we see that even the smallest thing done for the Kingdom really isn’t small at all.

Put Up or Shut Up

Last week, I went to a conference at my church entitled “Naturally Supernatural.” My church has a healing ministry where “prayer servants” pray for anyone and everyone who comes through the doors every Monday night. This workshop was to teach both members and leaders from other churches how to pray for people and to do it in a way that isn’t off-putting to those who might not be comfortable with the supernatural.

“Supernatural” in this case refers to hearing directly from God, receiving prophecy, and praying for miraculous healing. Now, this is not something most of the Western church is down with. There are many people and, in fact, entire denominations that run from this idea. We base our theology on the teachings of Jesus in the Gospels, especially John 14:12 (NIV), “Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” What did Jesus do? He taught the Kingdom, healed the sick, and delivered people. He told us to do the same.

That being said, I have been hearing from God for two years so I figured it was time to take the next step and learn how to pray for people. Sitting there I didn’t feel like I was ready and I didn’t think I was really getting much out of it. I was even regretting signing up for it. Was I just wasting my time? Was this what God wanted for me?

Turns out the answer was an emphatic yes. This week one of my co-workers was in a minor car accident. She was rear-ended and it hurt her back. Nothing’s broken but she was really sore the next day and in pain. Late morning, God told me to go pray for her. I admit that I didn’t really want to. I’m not a person who seeks attention and I wasn’t sure I was ready to be labeled “that girl who thinks she can heal people.” I tried to ignore it and he told me to be bold. I realized that I made the commitment to surrender my life to the Holy Spirit and to be obedient and if I didn’t go pray for a co-worker’s back then I was really just all talk. That is unacceptable. So I went and asked her if I could pray for her. She thought I meant in general until I told her I meant right then. She let me and I prayed for healing for her back. Nothing flashy, just a quiet simple prayer commanding the pain to go. She thanked me but seemed a little skeptical. I know she’s a Christian but I don’t know how she feels about this kind of stuff. It didn’t matter. I was obedient and that’s what matters. The next day she thanked me sincerely for praying for her and said her back felt much better.

I may be looked at as odd in the office now because of it but I’d rather be weird with God’s works than just plain weird. I didn’t know what God was planning for me when I signed up for that conference but doing it was a step in faith. Like our pastor said last week, “The Promised Land only becomes visible as you walk.” I’ve talked the talk. Now it’s time to walk the walk.

South Toward Home

I spent Independence Day in Cape Cod this year. I got to visit Plymouth too and it was really awesome to be standing where the pilgrims landed on the most patriotic holiday of the year. It was nice to not be eaten up by mosquitoes or melt in the sweltering southern humidity but seriously, there’s no place like home.

This was my first trip to New England and it really is different up there. It’s surprising how we can experience culture shock right in our own country. My parents moved to the South from the North and they’ve always described differences but this was my first time experiencing them first hand. The following is a list of things I’ve taken for granted with my southern upbringing that sadly, New Englanders do not have.

1. Southern hospitality (It’s actually a thing, y’all)
2. Warm ocean water
3. Sweet tea
4. Central air
5. Warm nights that do not require long pants and a sweatshirt
6. Good barbeque
7. A church on every corner
8. Duke’s Mayonnaise
9. Dogs in the back of pickup trucks
10. Strangers who call you “hon”

The seafood was awesome and the landscape was pretty but I was definitely glad to get my feet back on Southern soil. I’d rather swim in warm pool water, start sweating before 9 am, and spend my afternoons holed up in the air conditioning than need a sweatshirt after 6 pm and swim in icy waters. No region is perfect but I’ll take my imperfection with a southern accent and nice tall glass of sweet tea.

#52

This is my 52nd post on this blog. I have now posted 52 times. I’m sure that means nothing to you but it means something to me. After I started this blog in July of 2013, it didn’t take long for me to get discouraged. By the fall I was ready to just pack it in. The blog would go down as yet another project that I started and didn’t follow through with. But then I made a deal with myself. I decided that I couldn’t give up on the blog until I had posted 52 times no matter how long that took. Why 52? It corresponds to the number of weeks in a year. Another goal I had was to post each week. I don’t know if that will ever be possible but I made good on my original deal. I posted 52 times.

This is a big accomplishment for me because I’m notorious for having big ideas and ambitions and then just abandoning them and starting something else. This blog is the biggest project I have stuck with and I don’t plan on stopping now. That pact I made almost two years ago got me over the hump and showed me it’s not about how many views you get. It’s about the enjoyment I get out of posting, no matter who sees it. It’s about practicing for other writing projects I want to pursue. It’s about being motivated and disciplined in a creative area. And it’s an outlet I need to pursue. Here’s to another 52!

Grrrr…

That pretty much sums up my week. It has not been the best week ever to say the least. My sinus problems started on Memorial Day and really didn’t let up until yesterday. I’ve been moody and irritable for over a week and that doesn’t show signs of stopping. Seriously, it’s like everything I touch this week turns to crap. Even though things have been really slow at work and I’ve had an almost unbearable amount of downtime, this week has been really stressful. It stems from knowing how many returns are on extension and how many have fiscal year ends and how all of them are going to be due at the same time in September and October and I’m sitting around waiting. So much could have gotten done this week if only clients had brought the information in. Take all that, a dash of paranoia, and throw in one heart-stopping, narrowly-avoided direct deposit disaster and you have one sucky week. Ta-da!

Paranoia did you say? Why, yes I did. I have this strange sense that everyone is out to get me, that there are horrors lurking around every office corner, horrors that are going to make this job even more difficult. That’s probably because that actually happened last year. More than once. Surprise! We bought out the CPA across the street and here’s more work for everybody! Surprise! We bought out the CPA next door and here’s more work for everybody! Surprise! We’re switching everything over to a ridiculous new program that has nothing to do with anything for no reason! If you recall, that last one never actually came to fruition because we mounted a rebellion and got it stopped. Or at least put off. I’m paranoid that that particular problem will rear its ugly head again. There’s no telling what could be brewing behind the scenes. I’ve actually been given permission to divvy up the 1099 clients between all the staff accountants so I won’t be responsible for 210 in 30 days like I was this past January. I can already tell you that’s not going to go over well. Turns out I’m the one lurking behind the curtain ready to jump out and say “Surprise! You have to do more work in January!”

After everything I’ve been through in the last several months, I just want a rest. I’ve been making the most of my vacation days and weekends but when I’m at the office I can’t seem to shake a sense of foreboding. I know I put too much pressure on myself and that’s the root of the problem. It’s a fear of failure, of being seen as inferior, not good enough. This job has not been great in the building self-esteem department but that’s another story. What it has taught me is to trust God and obey Him no matter how hard that might be and to stand up for myself and for the truth when the chips are down. I know God led me to this job and no matter how I feel or what they throw at me I’ll keep fighting because in the end, it’s for Him and no one else.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” Philippians 3:12 (NIV)

Remembering Mrs. P-D

Back in December we lost one of my teachers. She was young, only in her fifties I would guess, though I don’t actually know. She was my eighth grade Algebra teacher and the mother of one of my classmates.

We really did call her Mrs. P-D because her hyphenated name was kinda long to say all the time. She was a good teacher but not my favorite. In fact, I thought sometimes she was unnecessarily harsh but I owe a lot to her. I’m an accountant and we don’t use Trig or Geometry or Calculus. We use Algebra. And that’s what I learned from Mrs. P-D. It was hard at first. I struggled for a while but Mrs. P-D was patient with all of us. She knew it was difficult for most of us to grasp the new concept of math we were learning. She used to say, “It’s not hard, it’s just different.” And she would go over a problem three times if somebody still needed clarification.

What I remember most about her class though, is it was the last period of the day and some days she would let us turn on music for the last few minutes while we packed up and waited for the bell to ring. Sometimes we’d turn on “My Girl” and dance the shag. Sometimes we’d turn on the live Barry Manilow album and laugh at the medley of advertising jingles. Like with Coach R’s classes (and all the best ones), it was the things that happened outside the curriculum that mattered most.

She leaves behind a husband and children and a lot of students whose lives she touched. She may not have been my favorite teacher, but she was a good teacher and I imagine a good administrator though that was after my time. There aren’t enough of those. Cherish the ones who made an impression on you. She wasn’t perfect but she cared for her students and worked very hard to make sure we all got a good foundation to carry us through high school, both in Algebra and in life. God bless you, Mrs. P-D. Rest in peace.

You Kids and Your Bridges

I went to an event center recently and of course ended up at the wrong door. I also didn’t pay for parking which made me feel extremely guilty because at a big event like a Comic Con you’re supposed to follow the rules, like paying the $5 for parking and wearing an extremely revealing outfit if you are female. I’m pretty sure males are supposed to follow the parking rules too but you never know.

Anyway, as I stood around I started to realize I wasn’t in the right place because I wasn’t seeing the appropriately geeky people. I saw parents and their 10-12 year old kids carrying Popsicle stick bridges. It appeared that I had stumbled upon some sort of school competition where kids had built these contraptions to pit against one another. Or something. I don’t know exactly what it was but judging by the angst of the kids as they exited the building, it was a stressful situation. One girl in particular summed it up for me. As she passed, I heard her say to her parents, “We’re not in college yet! We’re not architects yet!” She was obviously upset and I could only assume her bridge did not perform well in whatever trials were going on in there.

Her complaint touched me. You know why? Because she sounded exactly like me. I spent a good bit of time railing against the pressure of the school system. I went through the AP track beginning in 5th grade. I know how hard it is and how much they expect out of these young kids. It ages you. But it makes you strong too. If everything had been easy in school and I hadn’t had to hold up under ever increasing (sometimes even unreasonable) demands, I would never have survived this tax season. This one was particularly rough because of all the extra drama and if not for all the times I said, “How can they expect this? We’re not adults!” in my youth, I would have cracked under the pressure.

So my message to you, Little Girl With Bridge, is this: Be thankful for these times. They’re what make you who you are. It doesn’t get easier. When you grow up, the storms don’t stop. You just need to know who you are in the storms.

Recreation vs. Sleep: A Tax Season Dilemma

Okay, so you may have figured out that it’s tax season and that’s why I haven’t really written anything lately. Tax season means I’m spending long hours at that hellhole my office and my brain hasn’t been able to handle much outside of itemized deductions and balance sheets.

But I’ve made a discovery this week. I haven’t been sleeping well and I’ve been tired all day no matter how much caffeine I consume. I’ve been going to bed early to try to overcome it but to no avail. I still toss and turn and wake up cranky and blurry-eyed. So last night I tried something different. Instead of turning the TV off at 9 and heading to bed, I decided to stay up an extra hour and get caught up on “Agent Carter.” Amazingly, I stayed asleep for longer periods and woke up feeling less like the walking dead.

This experiment has led me to conclude that what I need is more recreation not more sleep. Sleep is good but it’s not the only thing that rests your brain. Doing an activity you enjoy and getting the focus off work can do even more to help. I believe I already knew this on some level but I put it into practice last night and had good results.

It’s my anxiety that brings me to the dilemma part. How am I supposed to add enough recreation time to my already overloaded schedule and still get the amount of sleep my body and mind require? My anxious, mushy brain says, “There aren’t enough hours in the day. There are too many tax returns piled on your desk, too many clients calling, too many demands and not enough Kim to go around.” All these things are true but isn’t it also true that God is the God of all things and that includes time?

It has become increasing clear to me that God has placed me in this job for His purpose and I know that every day He strengthens me for the tasks at hand. And this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve been through five tax seasons and half of this one and I know the stress doesn’t do any good. My battle is the lie that I’m not good enough and I still need to prove myself.

This tax season, amid the extra crazy of a dysfunctional office, the task is not the returns or the planning or a sleep regimen. The task is trust. Trust in Him to make the time for it all and trust that now, finally, I am good enough.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

Late to the Party

I know it’s a little late to be posting about New Years but better late than never, am I right?  Since I was busy recovering from a cold last week, I’m only now getting around to reflecting on 2014.  On the surface it seemed pretty boring but once I started digging into what I’m grateful for in the last year, it got a little brighter.  Here’s a few.

My job

Overtime money

Spiritual growth

My church groups and the people I’ve met there

My health

This blog

Lack of tragedy

All the sunshine this summer

All the good books I read

My nutritionist

My office with a window

Every mistake I learned from

Shopping days and kitchen painting days

Cathartic tears

Having the money to get my wisdom teeth removed

My vacation to Gramma’s and Gramma’s visit here

God strengthening me to face each day

Getting respect, no matter how short-lived

Letting go of some of the fear of being 28 and single

Surrendering my life to God and sticking to the commitment

When you put it that way, 2014 wasn’t half bad.  So, here’s to 2015!  Happy New Year, y’all!

Leave No Woman Behind

I didn’t really have grandparents growing up. I mean they existed but they lived far away and I didn’t establish close relationships with them. My grandfathers died when I was very young but both my grandmothers are still living. Over the past few years, I’ve had the opportunity to get to know my mom’s mother, Gramma. She lives in Florida with her husband and we’ve gone down there several times to visit with them and my mom’s other relatives.

Let me explain something about Gramma. She has not had an easy life. There are a lot of reasons my mom moved a very long way away from her family. She likes to keep at least two states between her and them. God has been doing great things for all of them in the last several years but still. And Gramma has made a lot of progress with the Lord and forgiveness. She has been attending a Lutheran church with some of her friends.

The last time she was at our house was in 2001 for my brother’s high school graduation. A lot of big moments happened between then and now. I graduated high school and college, my brother graduated college and got married. Those are things grandparents usually attend. But Gramma couldn’t come for various reasons, one of which being her nerves couldn’t handle traveling that far. It’s 10 hours by car on the interstate and navigating an airport at her age and her anxiety level would be a nightmare. So I just accepted that Gramma would never visit us, we’d just visit down there.

If you think God isn’t in the miracle business anymore, think again. Back in August, my 84-year-old grandmother and her 89-year-old husband did indeed navigate airport security and fly to my house. It may not seem like much but, y’all, that was a miracle.

And it doesn’t stop there. We got to take Gramma to our church, something we’ve wanted to do for a long time. Now, the church I attend is not everyone’s cup of tea. We believe in miraculous healings and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Some people would call us crazy. During the service they asked the twenty somethings to come down front and then they asked everyone over sixty if they’d come down and pray for us. When we were finished and I turned around to go back to my seat, Gramma had come down and she was praying for a girl. I admit, I never thought I would see that.

We had a great visit and I’m so thankful God made it happen. She got to see my brother for the first time in 13 years and meet his wife. I thought that was the extent of God’s miracle for us but as per usual, He gave more than was asked. My mom talked to Gramma a couple weeks ago and she mentioned that the little Lutheran church she attends just isn’t doing it for her anymore. She wants something more.

Y’all, let me tell you something about the Holy Spirit, He leaves no one behind.

“For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:8 (NIV)