Author Archives: Kimberly Filkins

A Prayer of Thanksgiving

Father God,

Thank You for Your provision this year.

Thank You for the frustration and stress.

Thank You for the paychecks.

Thank You for wisdom and discernment.

Thank You for coming change.

Thank You for emotional healing.

Thank You for putting me in the fray.

Thank You for enlightening books.

Thank You for job training, both physical and spiritual.

Thank You for sustaining me and teaching me.

Thank You for what You have done, are doing, and will do.

And most of all, thank You for Your son Jesus Christ and in His mighty name I pray,

Amen

When the Going Gets Tough…

The tough get going, right? But what does that actually mean? Does “get going” mean you suck it up and start handling the problem or does it mean you move on from the thing that has suddenly gotten tough?

I’m at a major crossroads, y’all. I mentioned in my last post that my job has some serious problems. And I explained how God put me in this job for His purpose and how He used me to help with one of the issues. The problem is there are so many more issues. And they’re not getting solved anytime soon. We still have to do more work with no tax season help, management is still making head-scratching decisions, and the two people who tried to get me fired for two years are still after me. (Don’t even get me started on that.)

So I’m trapped between “If your job makes you miserable, you should find another job” and “All jobs suck and if you leave this one, you could end up somewhere worse.” Am I being weak to want to move on or am I legitimately at the point where I need to move on for the sake of my sanity?

And really this goes beyond the job situation. I just turned 28, I’m single, childless, and living with my parents. I want to move to another city, where my church is. But I can’t commute all the way to my current job from there. And the even bigger issue is that this job is taking over my life. Not just during tax season anymore. I feel like it leaves no time for serving God and that’s a problem.

Here’s what God has had to say over the last 12 months:

1. Don’t buy a house. Don’t be tied down to any one place. (Check)
2. Get out of debt. (Check)
3. Learn as much as possible about relationship with God. (Check)
4. He will use me.
5. I won’t be on this job that much longer. (?)

It’s that last one that has me stumped. Is my work for Him at this job done? Am I free to pursue something else? Like I mentioned before, God doesn’t give you the whole picture. That’s why they call it faith. If I’m really serious about abandoning my life to Him, I guess this is a pretty good time to start. So I’ve started looking around for other jobs and I’m trusting Him with the outcome. He didn’t let me down before, why would He now?

Why Not?

As I sit in my office breathing in the scent of Sweet Pea from my Wallflower, exhausted from 7 weeks of workplace hell, I can’t help thinking about how all this happened.

It started in the spring. Our firm bought out a couple of smaller ones and we took on some major new additions. It’s put a strain on everyone. We’re small ourselves and we’re not equipped to handle this amount. Then we were told we’d have to change our entire way of doing things by converting to a new, harder-to-use, very un-user-friendly program. Add in some serious problems at the top level and you’ve got a recipe for rebellion.

One night, as I was stressing about the situation and thinking about how useless the whole thing was, a train of thought started running through my head. There could actually be a solution to this. I’ve always been a leader and I often get put in leadership positions. I’m also pretty good at mediation. Emotions were running high with everyone and there was so much whispering at the office. The things I was thinking about would open communication and help to reconcile the situation. It would also put me at the center of the fray. After I had hashed it all out in my mind, I thought, “I can’t do that.”

Then God said, “Why not?”

And I didn’t have an answer. At least not a good one. He gave me these leadership and people skills. Wouldn’t it stand to reason that He would want me to use them? Hadn’t He already given me many situations like this to practice on? Hadn’t He already revealed that He was using me at this job for His purpose?

So I stepped into the fray and no, it wasn’t easy. I got pummeled from all sides and it left me drained and wondering if I had done the right thing. But then others started to step up and we had the opportunity to make our concerns heard. They decided to the delay the conversion until we could all consider the consequences. That’s a huge relief going into the autumn. Did it fix everything? No. But it fixed the most immediate problem and brought the other issues to light.

Part of being all in for God is hearing His voice and being brave enough to act when you know it’s Him. He doesn’t give us the entire answer up front. He expects us to recognize the opportunity and step out in faith, trusting He will take care of the outcome.

“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”
Romans 8:31 (NIV)

Why not, indeed.

eHarmony, We Need to Talk

Curse you, eHarmony. You’ve done it to me again. You got my hopes up and then nothing. NOTHING!

Okay, maybe I should back up. I love the concept of eHarmony. It does the work for you, which I find awesome. They’re supposed to nip it in the bud so you don’t end up sitting across from someone who in no way shares your beliefs, values, and lifestyle. My dating life has been bad enough without having to kiss all those frogs. And I still think it can work. But I’m beginning to think I’m gonna have to move.

I initially signed up for this emotional flagellation five years ago, just out of college and coming home from my grad school disaster. I admit I was not in the best shape to be trying to date and I was only 22 but that doesn’t explain the way the whole thing went down. I got some communication right out of the gate. This is going to be so easy, I thought. Guys are lining up to date me. Me. I went on three bad first dates in a six month period. And then…crickets. Nobody was starting communication with me. So I decided to be bold and start initiating contact with the guys who looked promising. And…more crickets. A few more months went by and then I tried an experiment. Let’s just see what happens if I send a smile to every guy on my match list, regardless of how I feel about them. And you know what happened? NOTHING! Not a single guy responded. At all. Ever.

Sooooo, five years on, I’m at it again and it looks like history may be repeating itself. I’ve gotten three guys who wanted to talk to me. I answered one and we went through the entire back and forth thing that eHarmony does with the exchanging questions and what not. His last batch of questions included “What’s your e-mail and phone number?” I gave it to him thinking I was about to get an e-mail or a phone call. The next day I log in and…his profile has been taken down. He has “moved on” according to the site. Are you kidding me? You get all the way to asking a girl for her number and then decide that you’ve found your bliss and delete your profile? Arrggg!!

What happens on both eHarmony and Match is that I get messages from guys I don’t like and the ones I like never respond to my messages. And before you say I’m being too picky about it, let me point out that these sights are trying to match me with guys who live in other states and guys who write like this:

“Like I said up top I’m looking for a fun and energetic woman to have fun with go out or hang out at home doesn’t matter to me I’m easily entertained and enjoy doing most anything. I do work a lot at my two jobs so it’s hard to meet women ao I figured is try this out and see what happens”

You know, punctuation is really overrated. Who wouldn’t want to go out with a guy who has mastered the art of the run-on sentence? By the way, that is an actual copy and paste from the profile of a guy who sent me a message.

I realize I may be jumping the gun with this rant. You never know. This time next year I could be getting engaged to my soul mate that eHarmony picked out. But if it keeps up this way, I’ll have no choice but to quit my job, move to another state, sign up for more dating sights, and stay home all day compulsively sending smiles and winks muttering to myself, “Why don’t they like me?”

Ah, Dorm Life

It’s August, which means it’s the dreaded back-to-school time. I don’t have to go back (thank God) but it got me thinking about the dorm and the hilarious and frustrating things that happened there. I wasn’t too fond of my Junior year roommate and ended up hating her by the end of the year and Senior year I got along great with my roommate. We lived our separate lives and respected each other’s space. That’s how it should work. But it was Freshman and Sophomore years that were the most eventful in the dorm. That’s probably attributable to my roommates those two years, Kaylee and Rebecca.

The Man-eater
Kaylee was, quite simply, a man-eater. When she came to college she was going with a boyfriend from home, Bryan. He was going to a college not far away and would drop in from time to time. I didn’t mind. He was a nice guy. Except for that time I came back to the room planning on doing some homework and heard Kaylee talking in the shower. Then I heard Bryan. I left and came back later. Kaylee and Bryan eventually broke up and it wasn’t long before other guys were hanging around our room a lot. Actually, guys were hanging around before Bryan’s exit. These frat boys seemed to fall in love with her and she would just hang out and then move on. The next year there was a whole parade of guys. She was even still seeing a guy from back home. He was in the Navy and he and two friends came to the school to take, Kaylee, Rebecca, and me to the Homecoming Dance and then the game on Saturday. The dance was pretty fun actually. They were a bit immature though. They illegally slept in our room and I woke up on Saturday morning to find a bunch of condoms framing our TV screen. They were from the communal condom bucket in the hall kitchen. At least they were colorful.

The Cooler
Each spring, Kaylee got invited to a fraternity mountain weekend by one of the brothers. And she went whether she was with someone at that time or not. There’s a lot of responsibility that comes along with the mountain weekend. Each brother’s date has to decorate a cooler for him to take on the trip so they can store all their booze in it. So every March The Cooler took over our dorm room. It would sit in the middle of the floor in various stages of completion surrounded by paints and other art paraphernalia for at least a month. Then one day it would disappear and Kaylee would return without it and most of her memory from the weekend.

The Mess
It has taken me a long time to make peace with this part but I realized the other day that I can laugh about it now. It is because of this that I know college students come to school utterly incapable of taking care of themselves. I believe Rebecca was the main culprit. Kaylee and I were roommates Freshman year and Rebecca was our suitemate. We had separate rooms and shared a Jack and Jill bath. Rebecca’s roommate left around Christmas and she had the room to herself. It was always a disaster area but I didn’t mind because it was contained on her side. Kaylee left things lying around but it wasn’t excessive. It wasn’t until Sophomore year that the mess escalated. The three of us moved into a quad room with a girl named Lindsay. This room was set up the same way with two rooms and a bathroom in between but it had one door that opened into one room and then you went through the small hallway to the back room. We moved the two bunk beds into the back room and made the front room a common area. It worked out well. The problem was, now Rebecca’s disaster wasn’t in her area anymore. It was everywhere. And it turned out that Lindsay had the same tendencies. And it wasn’t just clutter. They never changed their sheets, they left dirty underwear all over the common room floor, they would leave a cup with just a little bit of whatever beverage left in the bottom on the bathroom sink and it would grow mold on the top. I was the only one who ever cleaned the bathroom or bought more toilet paper. We had maintenance out several times to unclog the sink because Lindsay kept washing oatmeal down the drain. I finally told them to knock it off and have a little respect for other people when I came in one day and there wasn’t a clear spot on any surface in the entire place including my bed and desk. There was a pile of clothes at least a foot and a half high in the middle of the common room floor with one of the desk chairs on top of it askew. How does that even happen? I was afraid to ask.

The Disappearing Roommate
We saw less and less of Lindsay as the first semester went on and by December Kaylee, Rebecca and I actually asked “Has anyone seen Lindsay?” It had been at least two weeks since any of us had seen her in the room or on campus for that matter. Her things were mysteriously leaving the room and then one day she stopped by to get something and we asked her where she was staying. Apparently, she was crashing on the futon in a room down the hall. She crashed on that futon the rest of the year. I didn’t miss her. The mess got better once she left. And I didn’t find her flat iron on inside the bathroom drawer anymore or her vomit in the trash can on a Saturday morning.

The TV
Most of Lindsay’s possessions eventually disappeared but she left the TV. It had a DVD player built in, which was a nice feature. But she had lost the remote at some point before it got to the dorm, making it impossible to navigate the DVD menu. I’m not that big on Friends but I guess everyone else in my generation is. Someone had a set of the DVDs and they would put a disc in the DVD player. It would start automatically and play all the episodes on the disc. You might think that’s a good thing because we could still use the DVD player without the remote. It wasn’t. Because they would leave the same disc in there for weeks and when they got bored, they’d just “turn on Friends” and the same episodes would play over and over. I eventually got fed up and brought a cheap DVD player and told them, “Please, for the love of my sanity, don’t lose this remote.”

Overalls Are Entirely Unacceptable (Online Dating & Beyond)

I’ve written about the bad first dates and that one time there was a second, third, fourth, and fifth but I’ve decided to give shout outs to the ones that didn’t even make it to the first date.

The Interviewer
When you date online you get a lot of weirdos and snobs but I think it’s something special when you find someone who is both a weirdo and a snob. This guy had some sort of job where he made a lot of money and he came from money evidenced by the mention of his parents’ second home where they keep the plane. He sounded slightly disappointed when I clarified that I’m a staff accountant and not a CPA. That’s what made him a bit of a snob. What made him a weirdo was how the conversation went. It wasn’t a conversation. It was more of an interview. He asked question after question and at one point said, “Just so you know, I’m writing this down.” Really not sure if that was a joke or not. Then he said it was my turn to ask questions. So I do. When I’m running out of things to ask, he prompts me to continue. Oh, boy. Once I finally got off the phone with him, I ignored his texts until he went away. You’re supposed to be dating, dude. I’ve had more casual job interviews.

Mr. Football
This is the one guy I met on Christian Mingle. In a sea of overweight men with face piercings and heavily tattooed forearms this was the cream of the crop. Attractive, with a good job, he looked promising. So we start off texting. A few get-to-know-you things. He’s really into football. That’s good. I like football too. Too bad he couldn’t think of anything else to talk about. He’d text all the time and most of it was “my fav team is playing Sunday.” Yeah, so’s mine. It’s football season. Friday: “Just got back from a high school game.” Saturday: “My college team won tonight.” Sunday: “My NFL team is playing.” Now, I love football season like most red-blooded Americans but can you not come up with anything else to say to a girl you’re supposedly trying to date? I went on five dates with an actual high school football coach and he had other things to talk about.

After a week of mostly senseless texting, I started hinting at getting together. He suggested that I meet him and a bunch of his friends at his favorite sports bar. I’m sorry, but if you are seriously trying to date someone what makes you think meeting her in a noisy bar with a bunch of your buddies vying for your attention is a good idea? He then proceeded to invite me to his apartment. Okay, so are you providing the roofies or should I just bring my own? Again, not an acceptable first date suggestion. I finally convinced him that dinner just the two of us in a well-lit restaurant was the only way this thing was happening.

He then texts “so can I get a pic?” Um, there are pictures on my profile. What’s wrong with those? I ignored it and continued texting for another week before our dinner. The day of he cancelled because of a family issue. I understood. Stuff happens. We were going to reschedule and then “so do I get a pic?” Why?! I decided I was sick of his random football comments and the whole picture thing was kinda creepy so I broke it off. Via text, of course.

The Farmer
This is the only almost date that didn’t initiate online. He was the son of one of my mom’s friends. She suggested he call me. It consisted of 5-6 phone conversations. They were pleasant enough but there were problems from the get-go. In our first conversation he asked what I like to do. I mentioned I love to read. He promptly said he hasn’t read a book since high school. As if there’s nothing wrong with that. When he asked what I like to watch I figured I shouldn’t mention I had just finished watching 8 hours of Shakespeare history plays. So I said I liked Rizzoli & Iles, Longmire, Justified. He said he doesn’t watch those kind of shows because he doesn’t like to see people getting killed all the time. Well, when you put it that way… When I told him I’m an accountant he said he thought it was “strange” for someone our age (i.e. late 20’s, early 30’s) to be an accountant. Because you have to wait until you’re fifty to become an accountant, I guess. Anyway, it was becoming obvious that we didn’t have much in common. His main form of entertainment was taking care of cows and he goes to the little country church that his grandfather built. That’s a problem for me. I go to a large nondenominational church where the supernatural is totally normal. It would never work. He eventually asked if I wanted to get together for dinner and I politely declined. Don’t feel sorry for him. Six months later he’s engaged. I saw their official, fancy engagement pictures on Facebook and he’s wearing overalls. Overalls, y’all. Yeah, definitely dodged a bullet on that one. Just think, I could be going out with Doc Boy.

docboy

Internet, We Need to Talk

The internet is a wonderful thing. I love it. It connects continents and generations. You can get any info you want at any time. You can watch movies and TV shows whenever you want. You can have video convos with someone from anywhere in the world. You have access to all the adorableness you could ever need. It is one of man’s greatest inventions.

But it’s depressing. Seriously, the level of negativity on the internet is really starting to get under my skin. I’m all for free speech and expressing an opinion. The last thing I want is some sort of censorship. That’s not what I’m talking about. What bothers me is the senselessness of so much of what people post. It’s completely unnecessary to post a vicious comment about something you have absolutely no interest in and yet millions of people do it every single day.

And it’s not just random comments, either, it’s entire articles. One of my favorite bands showed up in an article titled something like “Bands That Will Never Make a Comeback.” I could go on a rant defending my fav band and point out that they have a very strong fan base and have been consistently releasing new music since their heyday but that’s not the point. The point is that someone wrote that article with the express purpose of bashing bands that have moved out of the limelight. What were they hoping to accomplish by writing this piece? Were they hoping members of those bands would read it and go cry over their lost careers? Or did they want people who actually like these bands to feel uncool and question their love for that music? Either way, that’s really shitty, man.

The anonymity that the internet provides has created a monster. Originally, it gave people a voice who wouldn’t normally speak up because they were too afraid of being rejected. Now it gives bullies an all access pass to reject and hurt without consequences. I don’t have to go to school or work to bully people. I just have to get on the internet and talk shit about things people like. Instant gratification for my insatiable sadistic streak. The internet’s love affair with unnecessary negativity has gotten way out of control and it’s a sad commentary on our society.

I’ve always noticed this and thought it was a problem but now that I’m experiencing so much of God’s love and learning to share it, the bile of the internet is becoming intolerable. I spend way less time surfing the net than I used to, partly because I just don’t care as much about it and partly because I’m sick of seeing how horrible people can be to each other. There’s only so much of that a person can take.

So, Internet, here’s my advice: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

“What you say flows from what is in your heart.” Luke 6:45 (NLT)

Let It Go

If you’ve read any of this blog, you’ll know that I’m an introvert. Gasp! No! Yes. Not only that, I’m an introvert with a servant’s heart, an overly sensitive personality, and an anxiety problem. I’ve been taken advantage of, ridiculed, walked over, told I’m wrong and not good enough. I’m 27, chronically single, and I live with my parents. I’ve got most of the makings of a sad, bitter individual. But I’m not.

How is this possible? Well, I’m glad you asked.

Now, I haven’t been truly relaxed about these for very long. It’s really only a recent development. Yes, people still don’t understand my introversion and yes, my servant’s heart may seem like an invitation to make me a doormat but no, those are not weaknesses. God gave me those things and therefore they are gifts. Something to be used, cherished. It’s taken me a long time to realize it.

The sensitivity and the anxiety, these are what I’ve had to overcome. These are handicaps. For so long, I would take something that happened and replay it over and over and feel rotten about it forever and let it ruin my day or even longer. As if dwelling on it was somehow going to change it or make me feel better about it. And these things never truly became scars. It was always a thin scab waiting to be pulled off.

My singleness and childlessness was another thing to beat myself up about. Obviously I’m not good enough. I can’t even get a date. I’ll never have kids. I’m already 27 and I’m nowhere close to getting married. Round and round, driving myself crazy, getting more and more depressed at each birthday.

How am I ever going to find someone who wants to live in the country, in my town, and live the life I want to live? Where will I find the guy who matches me and wants the things I want? I have a very specific list.

The answer to how I finally chilled out about this stuff? I decided to trust God. Not just in the “Yeah, I’m gonna trust God because my pastor says that’s in the Bible” kind of way. I mean for real. As in, “I want You, God. I want all of You. I want Your vision for my life because it’s gonna be so much better than anything I could plan.” It has taken time to get there. I’ve been listening and learning and everywhere I turn I hear and see what God’s already doing in my life.

Yes, I live with my parents, yes, I’m single but this season isn’t something to be lamented. It should be cherished. I don’t want to sit around dwelling on what’s “wrong” anymore. I want to experience what He’s giving me in the here and now. When I’m on my deathbed I want to be able to say I followed God’s path and did all I could for Him. I want to live full out and be all in. I believe that God has plans for me and He wants me to use this time to learn all I can so I’ll be prepared when He’s ready to show me the way.

I have to let go of all those requirements for my life. All those things I thought I needed to be happy. I don’t have to have kids if that’s not what God wants. I don’t have to stay in this town if that’s not His plan. I’m now willing to let it go and the only thing that will make me happy is doing what He wants.

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

What could be better than that?

“You Need To Come Out of Your Shell”

I loathe this sentence with every fiber of my being. I wish sentences could die. I realize that’s a bit dramatic but seriously, y’all, this is probably the most insulting thing someone can say to an introvert. You may have said it to someone not realizing what it implies.

Here’s what you think you’re saying:
I want to get to know you better and see the beautiful person you are and love you as you are because I know that if I could just get to the real you I would be so impressed by how lovely you are.

Here’s what you’re actually saying:
Who you are isn’t good enough for me. I need you to start acting like everybody else so I’ll know how to deal with you. I can’t get a read on you and that’s making me uncomfortable so if you could just pretend to be “normal” like the rest of us for a while that’d be great. Okay? Thanks.

This statement implies that the way I am is just an exterior, something to be broken through, conquered. I’m only pretending to be that way and I’m just not showing you the “real” me. I really am just like everybody else, I’m just hiding it from you. The truth is, and this is going to come as a surprise to a lot of people, this is me. Is everyone still with me?

Well, I’m going to let you in on some more secrets: I’m happy doing things on my own sometimes. I don’t feel the need to talk to people all the time. Just because I’m alone does not mean that I’m lonely and there’s something wrong with me.

The world expects people to be social 23.5 hours out of the day. If you’re not chitchatting or texting or instant messaging all the time, you’re just not normal. The world values extroversion far above introversion. There have been entire books written on the subject. If you’re an introvert, you’re expected to pretend to be an extrovert. It’s the only way to survive on the job, on the dating scene, on the social scene. People just can’t accept that someone might approach things differently. Hence the shell comment and others like it.

Introverts aren’t necessarily unapproachable and antisocial. I’m not. I consider myself very pleasant to have a conversation with. But just because I didn’t tell you my life story in the first five minutes doesn’t mean I’m hiding the real me behind a shell. I just do things differently than you do and implying that I’m wrong and I need to change is just plain rude.

Sometimes, I just don’t have anything to say. And that’s okay.

This is Not the Sequel Series You’re Looking For

I am definitely one of the Millennials who was super stoked about the Boy Meets World sequel series when I heard about it. I even called it. Back when the Dallas sequel series started I was all, “If they ever make one for my generation it’ll be Boy Meets World.” And I was right. Sort of.

I’m not sure you can really consider Girl Meets World a true “sequel series” so much as a new show with the same formula and a couple of the same characters who stay mostly in the background. GMW is intended to be BMW for a new generation. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if they weren’t taking something I hold dear and turning it into another Disney Channel also ran.

There are many problems with the GMW model. The whole reason they did it as a so-called sequel series was to cash in on the name recognition of BMW. However, most of their target audience has never heard of the original show much less watched it and developed an attachment to it. The point of bringing back Corey and Topanga was to hook Millennials like me. They stated firmly that this would be for the new generation so what on earth made them think twenty and thirty somethings would want to watch an insipid Disney Channel show? So why include BMW characters at all? All the hype was caused by and paid attention to by us. Not tweens.

A glaring problem is the way the world has changed since 1993. When BMW premiered I was almost 8-years-old. The perfect audience for a sitcom about an 11-year-old boy and his friends. That’s right. It was about the kids. That was pretty revolutionary for the time. There were other family programs on but mostly they focused on the parents and the kids were there for comic relief and to cause conflict. This was a show for us and about us. I think that’s the main reason it lasted so long and is still revered by our generation. Others came after but it was pretty much the first. Today, TV is flooded with all kinds of shows aimed at the tween market ranging from goofy BMW-type sitcoms to creepy vampire soap operas. With that much market saturation, GMW needs us to pick up some slack but I don’t see it happening. I, for one, am too old to listen to a little girl whine about how she wants to be like her best friend and teachers give too much homework.

Another problem is this is now a “girl” show. Back in my day, girls watched all the stuff boys did but boys wouldn’t watch something they considered girly. I’m not a parent and I haven’t spent a lot of time around little boys lately but I’m guessing that hasn’t changed much. So let’s do the math here. Audience – Millennials – Tween Boys = Tween Girls. I know girls this age can be obsessive. Trust me. But with so many options and overstimulation on and off the screen, can something this generic capture enough hearts? Time will tell.

I think it’s great that they want to make a BMW for today’s tweens. I really do. I loved it. Hell, I still love it and will watch it at every opportunity. That’s why it rankles that we’ve been deprived of a real sequel series. I’m sure I’m not the only one who would have liked a show about Corey and Topanga (and Shawn!) struggling with adulthood, marriage, parenthood, jobs. The things we’re now struggling with. BMW was unique because it featured the kids. A well-done sequel series could have stood out again by bringing back the family sitcom. To me, GMW is a missed opportunity.