I’ve written about the bad first dates and that one time there was a second, third, fourth, and fifth but I’ve decided to give shout outs to the ones that didn’t even make it to the first date.
When you date online you get a lot of weirdos and snobs but I think it’s something special when you find someone who is both a weirdo and a snob. This guy had some sort of job where he made a lot of money and he came from money evidenced by the mention of his parents’ second home where they keep the plane. He sounded slightly disappointed when I clarified that I’m a staff accountant and not a CPA. That’s what made him a bit of a snob. What made him a weirdo was how the conversation went. It wasn’t a conversation. It was more of an interview. He asked question after question and at one point said, “Just so you know, I’m writing this down.” Really not sure if that was a joke or not. Then he said it was my turn to ask questions. So I do. When I’m running out of things to ask, he prompts me to continue. Oh, boy. Once I finally got off the phone with him, I ignored his texts until he went away. You’re supposed to be dating, dude. I’ve had more casual job interviews.
This is the one guy I met on Christian Mingle. In a sea of overweight men with face piercings and heavily tattooed forearms this was the cream of the crop. Attractive, with a good job, he looked promising. So we start off texting. A few get-to-know-you things. He’s really into football. That’s good. I like football too. Too bad he couldn’t think of anything else to talk about. He’d text all the time and most of it was “my fav team is playing Sunday.” Yeah, so’s mine. It’s football season. Friday: “Just got back from a high school game.” Saturday: “My college team won tonight.” Sunday: “My NFL team is playing.” Now, I love football season like most red-blooded Americans but can you not come up with anything else to say to a girl you’re supposedly trying to date? I went on five dates with an actual high school football coach and he had other things to talk about.
After a week of mostly senseless texting, I started hinting at getting together. He suggested that I meet him and a bunch of his friends at his favorite sports bar. I’m sorry, but if you are seriously trying to date someone what makes you think meeting her in a noisy bar with a bunch of your buddies vying for your attention is a good idea? He then proceeded to invite me to his apartment. Okay, so are you providing the roofies or should I just bring my own? Again, not an acceptable first date suggestion. I finally convinced him that dinner just the two of us in a well-lit restaurant was the only way this thing was happening.
He then texts “so can I get a pic?” Um, there are pictures on my profile. What’s wrong with those? I ignored it and continued texting for another week before our dinner. The day of he cancelled because of a family issue. I understood. Stuff happens. We were going to reschedule and then “so do I get a pic?” Why?! I decided I was sick of his random football comments and the whole picture thing was kinda creepy so I broke it off. Via text, of course.
This is the only almost date that didn’t initiate online. He was the son of one of my mom’s friends. She suggested he call me. It consisted of 5-6 phone conversations. They were pleasant enough but there were problems from the get-go. In our first conversation he asked what I like to do. I mentioned I love to read. He promptly said he hasn’t read a book since high school. As if there’s nothing wrong with that. When he asked what I like to watch I figured I shouldn’t mention I had just finished watching 8 hours of Shakespeare history plays. So I said I liked Rizzoli & Iles, Longmire, Justified. He said he doesn’t watch those kind of shows because he doesn’t like to see people getting killed all the time. Well, when you put it that way… When I told him I’m an accountant he said he thought it was “strange” for someone our age (i.e. late 20’s, early 30’s) to be an accountant. Because you have to wait until you’re fifty to become an accountant, I guess. Anyway, it was becoming obvious that we didn’t have much in common. His main form of entertainment was taking care of cows and he goes to the little country church that his grandfather built. That’s a problem for me. I go to a large nondenominational church where the supernatural is totally normal. It would never work. He eventually asked if I wanted to get together for dinner and I politely declined. Don’t feel sorry for him. Six months later he’s engaged. I saw their official, fancy engagement pictures on Facebook and he’s wearing overalls. Overalls, y’all. Yeah, definitely dodged a bullet on that one. Just think, I could be going out with Doc Boy.