Author Archives: Kimberly Filkins

Deep Water

Back in December a friend of mine suggested that the members of our church group ask the Lord to give us words for the coming year.  Mine were growth and friendship.

Now, I knew better than to try to predict what the year was going to look like based on two words.  But I admit I thought it would look something like God calling me to serve somewhere in the church and I would build deeper relationships with my friends at group.  My dog died in March so I thought maybe that was a sign God was going to send me somewhere. Or send me someone.  I wouldn’t have any strings.  I could go anywhere and do anything.

After seven months of 2016, I feel more isolated and alone than I think I ever have.  I feel distant from my group.  I don’t feel any call to serve at the church.  I haven’t been on a date in over a year and I feel really rejected.  All I want to do is read and write and sleep.  I’m moody, snappish, fatigued.

And somehow, I feel like I’m exactly where I should be.  When I read, I feel like me.  When I write, I feel like I’m moving forward.

I can feel myself changing.  It’s almost like gears and cogs moving around inside me, making me into something new.  It’s very hard to describe.  It’s like I’m becoming a hybrid of my hard, surly teen self and the much more loving and compassionate twenty something self.

I know I’ve been chosen for a different path.  I’ve always been different from everybody else.  I’m getting better at appreciating that.  He’s leading me somewhere.  I know it.  I just can’t see it.

This is deep water.  This is where a lot of Christians fear to go.  It’s much easier to go to church and visit God than to bring Him home with you.

But this is where you find out who you are.  When it’s hard and uncomfortable and you can’t see any point in it.  When the water is over your head and you have nothing but Jesus’s hand pulling you up and Him saying “Oh, ye of little faith.”  This is where you let Him pull you out.

This is where you walk on the water.

I’m That Girl

I’m that girl in class who never raised her hand.

I’m that girl who was never invited to the party.

I’m that girl who didn’t get drunk with you.

I’m that girl in the photos from the Maymester.

I’m that girl in the sorority you never really knew.

I’m that girl you didn’t call to catch up.

I’m that girl you didn’t think was good enough.

I’m that girl who solved the problems.

I’m that girl who always gets it done.

I’m that girl who used to go to your church.

I’m that girl you passed over on EHarmony.

I’m that girl you went on one date with.

I’m that girl who’s only funny if you’re drunk.

I’m that girl who takes the punch.

I’m that girl who gets back up.

I’m that girl who listened to you.

I’m that girl who forgave you.

I’m that girl who still prays for you.

I’m that girl who has Faith.

I’m that girl who Hopes.

I’m that girl who Loves.

Because the greatest of these is Love.

Yeah, I’m that girl.

YA Novels and a 30 Year Old Adolescent

So, I’m turning 30 this year and while I’m trying desperately not to make a big deal out of it, I have done some reflecting.  I mean, 30’s a milestone.  One entire decade of my adulthood will soon be history and it has brought up some questions.  Who was I before?  And who am I now?

It started in the spring.  I don’t read much during the winter because taxes take over my life, but once I’ve slept for approximately a week, I like to get back to my intellectual pursuits, especially reading.  But this spring something was…off.  I’d start a book and then put it down.  Then pick up another one and then leave it.  It seemed there was nothing I wanted to read.  Fiction was boring, non-fiction was too dry.  I wasn’t myself.  At least not the self I thought I had become.  I felt more like my teenage self (confused, restless, and dissatisfied) than my adult self.  And even though it was uncomfortable, I wasn’t sure it was a bad thing.

One day I was in the library and decided I’d take a look at what they had in the teen section.  It was a lot bigger than I remembered.  And these aren’t the stories we had when I was a teen.  When I was in 9th grade, my favorite book was The World According to Garp.  I read Stephen’s King’s It in high school as well.  I also read a lot of classics.  Why?  Because the Sweet Valley High books just weren’t gonna cut it.  I read Lois Duncan and the Lewis Barnavelt series by John Belairs.  They were the most interesting things going in the late 90’s.  And I read Harry Potter, but I mean, who didn’t?  I switched to adult books early on and that was that.

My teenage self was an insufferable know-it-all and I looked down on teen books because I always read above grade level.  But now I can’t help but wonder if I would have read more YA if there had been the variety and sophistication there is now.  Look at the numbers.  In 1997, 3,000 YA novels were published. In 2009, 30,000 were published.  Pretty big difference.  I have a feeling high school Kim would have loved The Book Thief.  A novel narrated by Death set in Nazi Germany.  That’s intellectual.  (Did I mention I was a snob?)  I also enjoyed John Greene’s Looking for Alaska and the mid-grade novel Splendor and Glooms among others. Come to find out, I’m not the only adult reading YA.

But for me, I don’t think it has to do with nostalgia.  You can’t really be nostalgic for something that didn’t exist.  I think it took all the way to 30 to come to terms with who I was, who I am now, and who I still am.   As a teen, I couldn’t wait to be an adult.  I didn’t want to read about teen issues and other teens because nothing about them seemed real.  Seems some of that has been remedied because I now see my teenage self in some of these books.  (Kinda scary.)  But would I have seen it then?  Probably not.  I think it takes being an adult for a while to have perspective on the teen years.

At fifteen, I was shy and quiet and I felt angry and rejected.  Nobody got me.  I was hard and didn’t cut anybody any slack, especially myself.  Now, I’m much less angry.  I don’t expect people to get me.  I laugh at myself a lot easier.  I really don’t care if you don’t like the way I am.  I’m not changing for you.  Ultimately, I’m the same person I’ve always been but the difference is that I accept that person now.  I’m happy with who God made me to be.  I was her then, I just didn’t know it.

Would reading better YA novels as a teen have brought me to these realizations faster?  Who knows?  But at 30, I can tell you they have given me perspective on where I’ve been and who I’ve been and that’s not nothing.

The Problem of Why

About three months ago, my dog died.  She was only six years old.  She got sick, she was in pain, and she had to be put down.  I only wrote about Patti on this blog once, about how it took me a long time to really love her.  She was stubborn, frustrating, difficult.  I struggled to train her and worked really hard.  I had to improvise a lot.  You couldn’t follow the rules of the training methods with her.  Patti made her own rules.

I started calling her my “little lesson in acceptance.”  I wanted a Westie because they’re adorable.  I really wasn’t prepared for her energy and her strong will.  She wasn’t a lap dog and wouldn’t sleep in the bed.  She always wanted to be in the middle of whatever was going on.  She wasn’t the dog I hoped she would be but I grew to love her and accept her for who she was, a loud, high-spirited, loving, sweet, adorable, playful terrier.  Despite her anxiety and refusal to be groomed, we had a good time together.  She would “tap” your leg when she wanted something and growl at you when she wanted to play.  We spent long afternoons sitting on the swing outside and evenings throwing the ball around the living room.

Her death hit me hard, a lot harder than I expected.  It was the middle of tax season so I had to get on with the work, get on with life, but I cried nearly every day.  There were holes all through my life where she used to be.  The dining chair no longer sits under the window in the living room so she can see out.  Her blanket isn’t on the left seat of the couch.  Her bowl isn’t in the kitchen.  And I was angry.  I asked God, Why?  Why take my dog?  She was still so young.  It wasn’t her time.  The Bible says you’re good, how is this good?  How is this grief, this hole in my life, this pain, good?

He didn’t answer why.  After a few weeks, on my Saturday morning drive to work, He simply said, “It’s My will.”  You see, He is the sovereign God of the universe.  When we sign up to walk with Him, we sign up to play by His rules.  And we don’t get an explanation.  We are called to walk by faith, not by sight.  I don’t see why as a question anymore.  I see it as a problem.  Every time I ask why He does something, I’m lacking faith.  I have to cut “why” out of my vocabulary.  Because the why doesn’t matter.  What matters is that He is good.

Do I still cry for Patti?  Yes.  Does it still hurt?  Yes.  Is He still good?  Yes.  Patti taught me a lot about dog ownership and myself.  Her death taught me about faith.  It taught me that even when the storm is raging and the pain is so bad that it’s like the world is ending, I still know God is good.  Because three years ago I chose to pick up my cross and follow Him.  Where He wants me I will go, no matter what it costs.

When the God who made the universe said, “It’s My will,” I said, “Okay.”

Work, Work, Work, Repeat

Another tax season is finally drawing to a close, my seventh to be exact.  It was a long haul once again.  You really don’t realize how long 4 months can be until you’re asked to do the semi-impossible.  I still don’t know how I did it or how I’ll go it all again in 2017, but, for the love of my sanity, let’s not talk about that yet.

January – Remember when I said I was going to be able to give others more work to do this year?   Yeah?  Well, that didn’t go quite as planned.  I did give some of those dreaded 1099s away but not as much as I’d hoped.  Our new employee really didn’t have enough time to learn how to do them so I was stuck doing the bulk of them again.  All things considered, it was a much smoother start to tax season than 2015.  I was encouraged.

February – The Carolina Panthers’ dismal showing in the Super Bowl aside, February wasn’t a bad month.  There’s a built-in lull in the first two weeks, which I always try to take advantage of.  I still had plenty to do but I didn’t work quite as many overtime hours and worked at super-speed instead of warp-speed.

March – Things ramped back up with the corporate tax deadline at the 15th and the backlog of individual returns.  It was around this time that I made a few observations.  Last year people called constantly wanting to know if their returns were ready.  Looks like they learned their lesson on that.  People were much nicer this year.  We bought two businesses last year and it seemed every one of those clients wanted to make sure we knew how displeased they were that they were being so grievously inconvenienced.  We weren’t as behind as we were the previous year but there was plenty of stress.

April – Because the government always makes so much sense, DC and the IRS take a holiday on the 15th so the deadline got pushed back to Monday, the 18th.  With grey circles under our eyes we worried that our bosses would push us all the way to Monday, requiring more weekend hours.  It’s not unheard of.  Thankfully, they did not.  However, in the meantime, all hell was breaking loose.  A non-tax, part-timer pitched in to help admin and promptly started bossing everyone around.  The receptionist told off the nagging office manager.  One of the partners lectured us about helping the people who have not worked as much overtime and were not nearly as tired as we were just because they have one busy day.  These same people complained to all of us about how “tired” they were.  One staff accountant had a meltdown because her order was wrong when another personally bought us all lunch one day.

Despite the bickering, it was a successful tax season.  Now, I’m ready to get back to quiet days and taking time off.  I think it is well deserved.

Yourself or Someone Like You

Recently, one of my co-workers suffered a stroke and because of her other health problems she cannot come back to work. In fact, her doctors have said she’s lucky to be alive. While it’s sad to lose her (she’s a great lady), I’m happy they decided to hire a new person to fill her position. I fretted and bit my nails over who they would choose. We really need another person to do taxes, not just the bookkeeping work our former co-worker was doing. I wasn’t hopeful given management’s track record of late, but they surprised me by hiring… me.

She’s not exactly like me but close enough. She’s around 30, unmarried, has experience doing this kind of work, and most importantly, does individual taxes. That’s exactly what we need. I’m working on training her and I see a lot of myself there. She went to grad school and got the Masters and is still trying to decide if she wants to get the CPA. I decided against all that early on but we have a lot in common. She’s responsible, detail-oriented, hard-working, kind, and respectful. She’s struggled through her twenties, having jobs pulled out from under her. I’ve struggled on one job. Boy, have I struggled. We may not have the same experiences but we agree that she needs the training now. It’s only six weeks to tax season. She wants to know what she’s responsible for and how to do it and I’m trying to make that happen. Management has responded positively to my efforts and I see that trend continuing. I’ve proven over the last year and a half that I’m attempting to improve things for everyone, not just myself. And that seems to be appreciated.

A year ago we were in dire straits. I was sending up desperate prayers that these issues would get resolved, that someone would pay attention, that people would stop fighting me when I was trying to help them. It looks like those prayers have been answered. This time next year could be even better.

There are many things I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving but the biggest is this job. There have been a lot of days when it didn’t seem worth it and I wanted to just quit and go somewhere else. It has taken six long, hard-fought years but I finally feel like it’ll be okay. I’ve built a career here and I’ve earned respect. I was even able to clone myself. Now, that’s something to be thankful for.

Mud in My Eyes

“How then were your eyes opened?” they asked. He replied, “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see.” John 9:10-11 (NIV)

It wasn’t mud. It was a fancy 21st century laser but it’s essentially the same thing. I had Lasik surgery recently and to say it was awesome is an understatement. It may not have been an instantaneous healing but it was a miracle nonetheless.

Let me back up. I became near-sighted at eight years old. I had to get new glasses every year and at 14 I got contacts. I hoped I could get Lasik done soon after high school but of course my vision had to stop changing before I could go for a consultation. Year after year I went for my annual exam hoping they would tell me my eyes had leveled off and year after year I was told I needed a higher prescription. It became really stressful to go to the optometrist. I hated going for that exam more than any other, even the gynecologist. Finally, two years ago my prescription stayed the same and last year I was cleared for a Lasik consultation. My eyes had leveled off at a whopping -9.00. If you don’t know how bad that is, consider yourself blessed.

I couldn’t make time for it last year and I was scared to have the surgery. I was afraid that I would be the one in a million who loses her eyesight to a botched surgery. I still wanted it because even with contacts I wasn’t seeing 20/20 and my glasses were Coke bottles I had a really hard time seeing with. But I was scared. I thought I’d just make due. My eyes weren’t getting worse anymore. Then I went for my appointment and was told the strain of not having my vision fully corrected with contacts was causing the prescription to go up again.

We see many miraculous healings in my church and I’ve said that if I could choose what God healed for me it would be my eyesight. At the Supernatural Conference I had someone pray for my eyes. Nothing happened but she told me God wanted me to trust Him. I admit I was disappointed. That night I woke up, looked around at the blurry (and I mean blurry) room, and sighed. Then God said, “I’m not done yet.”

Two weeks later I went for a consultation. I was sure they wouldn’t be able to do Lasik but maybe they could do a different kind of surgery. It would cost as much as a car but my student loans are paid off so maybe I could swing it. They told me I was a good candidate for Lasik and they could do my surgery in two months. I was shocked and elated.

On September 26, 2015, God healed my eyes. At -9.00 I fell just inside the parameters of Lasik and was the highest prescription they did that day. I had always been afraid of the surgery and I thought I would be a nervous wreck that day but I could have done it without the Xanax. It just didn’t make sense to be scared anymore. I finally released the problem to Him and He has blessed me beyond what I expected.

Finally, after twenty years, I can sit up each morning and see clearly. Lasik is truly miraculous.

An Unexpected Cake

My birthday was last Thursday. I don’t care much about birthdays now. I’m not very social so I don’t really have anyone to throw a party for and no one throws a party for me. For the most part, my b-day goes by without much fanfare. I mean, when you’re single and turning 29, you don’t really want to think about it.

I’ve been going to a church group for about a year and I consider the people there my friends but I was really surprised to find a birthday cake waiting for me on Sunday night. And not only that, the girl who made it (and made it fancy) couldn’t be there so she brought it to church Sunday morning and gave it to our host to take home so it would be there for me at group. I was truly touched by the effort. I’m not used to someone outside my family doing something like that for me. I always think I’m a very forgettable person so I was shocked that they remembered my birthday and went to the trouble to make it special. A cake may be a small thing but knowing you have people who care is huge.

By the way, it was delicious.

Under Control

A couple days ago a co-worker and I met with the daughter of a client. The client is older and has lost mental capacity and cannot manage her affairs anymore. The daughter had brought us the information we needed to prepare her mother’s tax return. She explained that she has had to get a power of attorney and get permission from different banks and brokerage firms to handle her mother’s assets. After the meeting, my co-worker expressed concern over the mother losing control of her affairs. She said she couldn’t imagine not being in control of her life. I could tell this was a real fear of hers. And it got me thinking.

Control is a funny thing. We think we want it. We want to control every detail of our lives. We don’t want anyone or anything dictating what we should do or how we should live. Once we have control we feel safe, confident, everything’s going to be okay because I’m in control of my destiny. But is that really security? Does that really make us safe?

One of the biggest hang ups people have about submitting to God is control. God asks us to trust him. The word trust comes up many times in the Bible. But to truly trust God with our lives means relinquishing control, taking our hands off the wheel. This is hard for many people because we’re taught to be independent, to make our own decisions. Relying on others makes us weak. We have to take responsibility. Asking for help makes us inferior. But these are lies, lies from the enemy.

Do we need to live our lives and make decisions? Yes. Do we need to take responsibility for our actions? Of course. But grasping for control and putting undue pressure on ourselves is not the way to do it. People think giving up control makes you a slave. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. Submitting your life to God’s plan gives you freedom. The freedom to stop beating yourself up, to stop being paralyzed by indecision, to stop worrying.

So much of the time worry comes from a feeling of helplessness. There will always be situations that are beyond our control. We worry because we think we have to change it. If we can just get control of it, it’ll be better. I’m the only one who can do it. All the pressure is on me. Wouldn’t it be great if there was someone who could take that burden off you? There is. His name is Jesus. He said, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28). Letting Him take the reins means you don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to do it by yourself. And there is serious freedom in that. Let Him take control of your life so you can start living it.

Opposites Attract

“Repent” is a word that gets misused a good bit in the Western church. It has led many to preach the idea of “turn or burn.” It’s all about admitting you’re a sinner and you need Christ to get to Heaven. Yes, you do need to accept Christ so you won’t go to hell but there’s a lot more to repenting than getting a ticket to Heaven.

The Greek word for repent is “metanoia.” It means “change the way you think.” Our perspective comes from the world we live in. But the world is broken. I’ve been noticing lately that there are so many things the world says that the Kingdom contradicts. The world and our earthly minds say one thing while the Word says the opposite. For example:

The world says believe only what you see. The Word says live on faith.
“For we live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

The world says God is a taskmaster. The Word says God is our Father.
“Our Father, who is in Heaven.” Matthew 6:9

The world says take control of your life. The Word says trust God with your life.
“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:8

The world says take credit for the things you do. The Word says give God the glory.
“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12

The world says you earned everything you have. The Word says it belongs to God.
“LORD our God, all this abundance that we have provided for building you a temple for your Holy Name comes from your hand, and all of it belongs to you.” 1 Chronicles 29:16

The world says when you are full you stop. The Word says when you are full you overflow.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

The world says the supernatural is unusual. The Word says the supernatural is normal.
“The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor.” Matthew 11:5

The world says you are its product. The Word says you are from Heaven.
“They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.” John 17:16

The world says works bring you to your identity. The Word says walk in your identity and works follow.
“Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” John 14:12

Changing our minds about these things brings us closer to God and deepens our relationship with Him. Learning to live from God’s perspective and accepting the opposites attracts us to Him and Him to us. Once you accept your identity as a child of God, you become full, you overflow, and you walk in power. Don’t let the world tell you otherwise.