I have regaled you with some bad first dates and some observations about online dating but now it’s time to be introspective. I’ve done online dating on and off for almost four years now and nothing has come of it. (Well, I did get some blog posts out of it but nothing life changing.) I’m going to be 27 soon and I despair of ever finding a husband. Yes, there’s still time but there’s less than there was last year and the year before that. I want to be a mother and the biological clock is ticking.
That’s why every fall I freak out and start haunting the dating sites because I HAVE to get a relationship going, I HAVE to find a mate, I HAVE to be married before 30, I HAVE to have a baby soon so the doctors won’t give me lectures about how foolhardy it is to be pregnant this late. The realization that I’ve only been on one bad first date that wasn’t initiated online almost sends me into a panic attack. I’m an introverted person and staying home on Saturday night or just having a quiet hang with friends isn’t unappealing to me. Most would say that’s my problem. “You have to go out to meet people,” they say. Go where? The club? The bar? The red light district?! I’m not a partier, okay? That’s never been my scene. So I’m destined to be alone because I don’t get wasted and compromise my safety? I don’t accept that.
The media floods us with a template for who we’re supposed to be. The ideal female 20 something has a career, a multitude of gal pals, a gay best friend, tons of money to blow on expense drinks in bars, and an endless string of cute, successful guys asking for her number. And because I don’t fit the bill, I’m somehow “wrong” and that’s why I’m alone.
I keep thinking maybe I need to fix what’s “wrong” with me so I’ll be more desirable. I need to be more carefree, more positive, more confident, less shy, wear more mascara, go more places, seek out adventure, be a daredevil, drink more, flirt more, show more cleavage. But is that me? Not really.
So I’ve come to the realization that maybe it’s not me. Maybe I don’t have to fix what’s “wrong” with me. Maybe it’s just not the right time. I refuse to believe there aren’t guys out there who are a lot like me. Not every guy just wants to pick up women in bars. People are getting married all the time. There must be regular guys out there who want a regular girl. I may be desperate but I refuse to change who I am to suit anyone and I refuse to settle for someone who isn’t right for me. I will find him. Our time just hasn’t come yet.