Call Me Pepper Maid

I’m turning 30 very soon and I’m (mostly) okay with that.  I’ve had a year to get used to the idea and I’ve (mostly) made my peace.  But I was watching Jeopardy last night and a clue mentioned that the Danish call a woman who is 30 and unmarried a “pepper maid.”  I looked it up.  There’s a whole ritual associated with it where your family and friends sprinkle you with pepper on your 30th birthday and give you a giant pepper mill made out of an oil drum.  I don’t know about you but if someone were to leave a phallic-covered oil drum outside my door, I’d be pissed.

It got me thinking about other terms used for women of a certain age who have never married.  Here’s a selection.

Spinster

Not to sound weird or anything, but I’ve been calling myself a spinster for a couple years now.  I’m joking.  Sort of.  What was once used as a legal term for any unmarried woman is now a derogatory term, meaning you’re not desirable.  A couple trips through online dating and you’ll start to believe it.  And question your sanity.  Bright spot:  Wikipedia lists “Notable Spinsters” as Jane Austin, Emily Dickinson, Susan B. Anthony, Coco Chanel, and Queen Elizabeth I.  Those ladies did all right and they didn’t need a man.

Catherinettes

From the Wikipedia entry: “Catherinettes was a traditional French label for girls of twenty-five years old who were still unmarried by the Feast of Saint Catherine (25 November). A special celebration was offered to them on this day, while everyone wished them a fast end to their singlehood.”  A fast end to their singlehood.  Yeah, that makes me feel real good about myself.

Cat Lady

I’m not really into cats.  I think I’ll be the lady who lives out in the country and hoards a hundred dogs until some do-gooder calls the county and they come take all my precious babies away.  Thanks a lot, asshole.

Wow.  That took a turn.  Anyway, despite the fact that people are waiting longer to get married and have kids, our society as a whole still expects you to be married (or at least be in a long-term relationship) by 30.  What’s up with that?  Is it better to be a divorced single parent?  At least they were married before 30.  Dodged that bullet.  I admit that this is not how I imagined my life at 30.  But am I really going to listen to that confused 18-year-old who still had boy band posters on her walls?  No.  But that same 18-year-old never let other people tell her how she should be.  And this 30-year-old isn’t taking any of that shit either.

When the big day comes I’ll celebrate this new chapter of my life.  Just do me a favor and leave the pepper shaker at home.

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So Sue Me (Online Dating Part 3)

The third E-Harmony date went something like this:

He was 24 and a lawyer.  He was also going back to school to get his MBA.  Not sure why someone who’s already a lawyer at 24 needs an MBA but whatever.  He was originally from Tennessee.  Okay, that may not seem like a big deal but if you read my blog about my first E-Harmony date, you’ll remember that he was from Tennessee.  My high school boyfriend was, too.  So at this point I have dated a total of 4 guys and 3 of them have been from fucking Tennessee.  What are the odds on that?

Anyway, we met at a pizza place.  The conversation was pleasant.  It wasn’t until I looked back on it that I realized he spent most of the meal bitching about his job and his pro bono work helping a fraternity get a house.  I mentioned that I was an accountant.  His first question, knowing nothing else about my career, was “When are you going to sit?”  Um, did I say I was trying to become a CPA?  Did I say I had any desire to become a CPA?  Now, granted, at that time, I had just left a Masters of Accountancy program and the issue was kind of a hang up for me.  I had decided not to pursue the CPA but still had people trying to convince me to change my mind.  My point is, it was a sensitive subject but it was still weird that he asked that particular question.  As if being a staff accountant wasn’t good enough and he assumed that no one could be happy with something as pedestrian as that.  He then goes off on a tangent about the death tax and when he’s done rambling he stares at me, waiting for a response.  I give a non-committal Uh-huh.  He then says, “Oh, I was going to get you to weigh in on it.”  Dude, I just graduated from college and I’m doing my best to learn my job but that doesn’t mean I spend my free time reading up on random tax issues.

So I steered away from that as quickly as possible.  I asked one of my go-to get-to-know-you questions, What’s your favorite movie?  I’m convinced that you can tell a lot about a person by their entertainment choices.  He rambled a little bit, something about “stock guy answers like The Godfather or Gladiator.”   (Fucking Gladiator again!)  Then he said, “Yeah, The Godfather.”  Okay, so you just said that’s a stock guy answer but it’s still your favorite movie.  If it’s your favorite movie, then own it.  Don’t make some weird excuse for it.  Whatever.

Again I agree to continue the date when I really shouldn’t have been wasting my time.  Remember that I was desperate for a relationship and was willing to give anything a chance.  I didn’t want to throw something good away on a less-than-perfect first impression.  We went to a bar for a drink.

I don’t remember who brought up the topic of religion but there it was.  I said I liked the non-denominational church but missed the ritual of the Methodist church.  He says that he majored in Political and Theological Philosophy in college and proceeded to expound on the issue.  Dude, I don’t know about you but I came for a date, not a lecture.  Then he gets into politics and continues lecturing about issues.  I finally wrap up the date and leave. 

When I looked back at the date I realized that this guy was an over-educated, self-important, pompous twat.  He e-mailed me four days later and asked for a second date.  You’ll be happy to know that I had enough self-respect to turn him down.  An e-mail after four days isn’t being interested, it’s an afterthought.  Somehow, I just think I deserve more than that.  Sue me.

Pennywise Lives!

I love Stephen King and It is my all-time favorite.  So I totally LOLed when I saw this British news article.  Apparently, someone (or maybe multiple people) is dressing up like a clown and bombarding people in the streets.  I have no idea what the motive is here but if it’s to be freakin’ hilarious, then you have succeeded, sir.

I especially love that people are really freaked out about it.  It just goes to show that clowns really are terrifying to most of the population.  I’m not scared of clowns, per se but I do think they’re kinda creepy.  Even if they’re trying to be all happy and kid-friendly.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that clowns should be banned.  I mean, really, if a guy in a clown suit can put an entire town on edge, there’s something wrong with the institution.

So I guess the person who vandalized the Derry town memorial statue was right.  PENNYWISE LIVES!

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Source: The Atlantic Wire